WAY West of Jewfish Creek
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
Most of the issues of my newsletter over the last twelve months have been a virtual course designed to teach you how to write "killer" copy.
You can use that information in a number of ways: (1) If you don't want to do copywriting yourself, having that information will help you make a more intelligent decision when it comes to hiring an outside copywriter. (2) If you have a business and for some insane reason, want to do all your advertising yourself, you can also use that information to help you with your goal. (3) If you want to work as an in-house or freelance copywriter for some giant corporation, you should now have all the information you need to jump start your career.
However, if it is option #3 which interests you, there is something else very important you need to learn. What I'm talking about is...
How To Deal With "Nightmare Clients"!
There are a number of ways you can do a lot of work for a client and not receive money for your efforts. The first way to do this is, simply to write an ad or a series of ads which don't generate a profit. Every copywriter in the world... no matter how great he is at his work... will always write a few ads that don't generate a profit.
Back in the old days, when I used to have the time and inclination to take on new clients, my standard fee was an up-front payment of $15,000 plus 5% of all gross revenues I was able to generate for that client. I could have gotten much more than $15,000 up-front from many of my clients however, I didn't feel right about it. You see, in my mind, if a guy paid me $30,000 or $40,000 up-front to write an ad for him... and... if my ad failed to generate a profit, it would create such a feeling of guilt and be of such an emotional cost for me, it would be too much of a burden to carry around.
On the other hand, charging anything less than $15,000 up-front would have been foolhardy on my part. Why? Simply because I can always be guaranteed many times that amount of money by putting my efforts into writing a good sales letter to my own in-house proprietary mailing lists.
By the way, my deal with clients also stipulated, if my original ad failed to work, I would write a second ad. If that second ad failed to work, I would write a third. After that, we'd call it quits and the client would be out $15,000... and... I would be out an enormous amount of research, time, energy and work I could have spent elsewhere.
The few times my ads have failed to work, it was almost always because the client was trying to sell something the public didn't want to buy. Honestly though, there were times I just couldn't come up with a piece of copy which would make everything work. Like I said earlier, it happens to everybody. If you choose copywriting as your career... I want you to know... it will also happen to you.
As far as whatever fees you decide you want to charge your clients, that's a personal matter you should put a lot of thought into.
Now, let's discuss the second way you can do a lot of work for a client and still not make any money. In this case, let's say your ad works like gangbusters... yet... your client doesn't have the balls nor the brains to exploit your creative work to anything close to its money-making potential. Clients like this are simply scared people who should be working at McDonald's instead of trying to be an entrepreneur. They will take a winner and before they roll it out, they'll want to make dozens of nonsensical tests. Blue ink versus black ink. A stamped reply envelope versus one with a postage paid insignia. Yellow paper versus white. Etc., etc., etc. When this happens, you are guilty of...
"Casting Pearls Before Swine"!
The third way you can do a lot of work for a client and still not make a lot of money is, you write a runaway winner for a client, he exploits it fully... but... he doesn't pay you for your work. This is simple theft.
A slightly more sophisticated version of this type of theft occurs when the client makes a few cosmetic changes to your ad, then says he is running "his" ad instead of yours and thus, he says he owes you no commissions.
If you are seriously considering becoming a copywriter, you're almost guaranteed to run into at least one of these three scenarios... if not all three.
I am now going to reveal to you the worst client I've ever had in my career. This man could be a poster child for what I like to think of as a "Nightmare Client." A little later in this newsletter, I'm going to describe in detail the nefarious, dysfunctional and stupid ways in which this man conducts his business. However, I want to start with his name... which is...
Alec Jone
As I said, I'll tell you all about "Mr." Jone a few paragraphs later in this newsletter. Before I do that, I'd like to give you a few general tips on how to prepare yourself to deal with a Nightmare Client like this particular dumb ass.
Tip 1: Make Yourself 100% Judgment Proof.
Exactly how to do this is outside the scope of this newsletter. If you do a little research, you will find it is easy-as-pie to make yourself "bullet-proof" from lawsuits, counter-lawsuits, alimony payments, etc. You know what I would do if you sued me for a lot of money? I'd probably not even show up for any of the hearings. That means an automatic Judgment would be awarded in your favor. At that point, you would be free to take every action provided by law for you to collect on the Judgment you had against me.
After you spent a considerable amount of your time and money trying to collect from me (while I, on the other hand, spent my time working on my tan and laughing at your efforts) you would sooner or later discover you had embarked on an utterly useless endeavor.
Tip 2: Learn To Wear A Wire.
99.9% of the time, I do not bother to record the conversations I have with clients and other people. However, once I sense a client is less than ethical, I make it a point to wear a hidden recording device on my body to capture all of our private, face-to-face conversations. I also make it a point to record all phone conversations with clients I suspect are unethical.
Tip 3: Learn The Law.
A little-known fact about me is I attended law school. Because I had no intention of ever becoming an attorney, I never graduated with a degree. I just wanted to know the true ins-and-outs of litigation so I could keep myself from being financially sodomized by dirt-bag attorneys and other people.
Now that you know the basics of how to pave the way of dealing with a Nightmare Client, I'd like to give you my real-life story about how I am dealing with Alec Jone, the worst client I've had in my 30-year career.
Let me begin by telling you how I happened to get involved with him. Shortly before my December 10, 1999 seminar, I received a telephone call from a young woman who wanted to desperately to attend. She had a problem in that her boss (Alec Jone) was only willing to pay one-half the tuition price. I hate discounting fees to attend my seminars or other services... still... she seemed so genuinely eager to learn, I made an exception. I allowed her to attend at half the price the other attendees had to pay. This, by the way, as you shall soon see, is further evidence of the axiomatic truth...
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished!
Anyway, when I met this young woman at the seminar in Phoenix, I was enchanted. Neta Friedman was this very captivating, young, blond woman with a sparkling personality as well as a very sincere desire to learn the business of direct marketing. One thing led to another and eventually, she convinced her boss to hire me. She also persuaded me to take Alec as a client and accept the copywriting job.
The initial piece of work I did for them was to write an ad for a diet product which was supposedly blood-type specific. I had misgivings about the efficacy of such a diet but, they had their in-house "doctor" (Alfred Schwingner) speak with me and inform me of all the reasons this was a valid diet.
I wrote the ad... and... the ad bombed.
For one thing, this particular diet required the prospects to know their blood type. Many people think they know their blood type... yet... they are not sure enough about it to spend money to buy a diet product without first checking with their doctor. They want their doctor to confirm whether or not their blood type is, in fact, "O," "A," "B," "AB", or whatever. This obviously created an ordering delay... and... in direct response advertising...
Delay Usually Translates
To The Death Of A Sale!
In an attempt to overcome this obstacle, Alec's corporation, Nutcasebizz, Inc., then decided (in their infinite wisdom) they would sell their customers a plastic fork-like device. The customers could use this gadget to jab themselves in the ass or wherever and then, use it with the test kits they were provided to determine with accuracy their own blood type. Needless to say, this was one of the most idiotic ideas ever conceived by a marketer... and... it didn't work.
Since my guarantee is once a client has paid the $15,000 up-front fee for my services, I will make at least three attempts to write a home-run ad for their product... and... since my first attempt failed, Nutcasebizz wanted me to write a second ad for this blood-specific diet. I didn't want to write another ad because I felt (and I still do) there wasn't any kind of ad that could be written by anybody which would convince people to buy this type of looney-tunes diet product. Still, I didn't want to leave my client high and dry.
So, I suggested to Nutcasebizz, rather than write another ad for this blood-specific diet product, I write a brand-new ad about a different product. I offered to fly to New Jersey to do this for them without receiving any extra payment whatsoever, if they would simply pick up my airfare plus hotel expenses. Nutcasebizz agreed to this.
I flew up north and walked into their corporate offices. This was the most insane, dysfunctional group of people I have ever met. Immediately, I reiterated to Alec, I found it hard to believe the blood-specific diet was actually valid. He told me "Doctor" Schwingner had tested the product and assured him it was truthful. I asked to speak with the doctor one-on-one and was put in a room alone with him.
My opening words to him were, "Tell me about this blood-specific diet."
He replied, "It's a fraud. It doesn't work. We thought maybe it would at the beginning. Even though we continue advertising it, we've since learned it's invalid." (NOTE: It is exactly at times like this I find it invaluable to be wearing a hidden microphone on my body.)
Shortly thereafter, I relayed the doctor's comments to Alec who affected mock surprise and allowed as how maybe we should work together on a different product.
We began by assembling the staff of Nutcasebizz in a room with me so I could ask them questions. These people all had the attention span of a gnat. They couldn't focus on anything for more than 10-seconds at a time. We were constantly interrupted by phone calls, people knocking on the door asking what we wanted for lunch, Alec's wife (Monikah) scared to death something was happening she didn't know about, and other endless and aggravating disruptions. This came to a screeching halt when I lost my patience and started screaming at everyone in the room. I told them if this didn't stop immediately, I was going to the airport to head back to Florida. At that point in time, they began to pay attention to me and start taking notes.
Upon my arrival at Nutcasebizz, they had regarded me as some kind of eccentric "Willy Nelson-type guy." However, before I left, they were taping every word of advice I was giving them and even raising their hands to ask permission to go to the bathroom.
Prior to my returning to Florida, I had created a brand-new ad for a different product. It seemed to me this was a "clean" ad which would be profitable. Their in-house legal department questioned a few of the statements I made in that ad. I simply reminded them I only used statements which had already been cleared and approved by them in their own previous ads. That shut them up and they proceeded to test my ad.
This ad was a run-away winner. I had hit the ball out of the park for them. For every $1,000 Alec and Nutcasebizz were spending on advertising, they were getting $5,000 or $6,000 back on sales. This doesn't even count all the back-end profits they should have made from these customers.
I went home a tired but happier man.
Soon after, I realized my commission checks were always late... furthermore... they seemed to be short-changing me. When I asked Nutcasebizz about this, they told me they were too busy running my ad and taking the orders to take care of other matters like their accounting and sending me my full commission checks. Needless to say, I was a very unhappy chappy about all this and at that time, I made my displeasure known. I asked them to send me a commission check twice a month instead of just once a month, which they agreed to. For a short period of time, they did send me the semimonthly checks... however... they were still short-changing me.
I know this to be true because the ad was pulling 5 or 6 to 1 and their so-called 5% commission checks didn't even amount to 5% of the money they were spending on advertising... let alone... the 5% on gross sales I was entitled to receive.
I'd like to take a side trip which will illustrate the dysfunctionality of this company...
Alec Jone has his wife, Monikah, working for the company. Perhaps she has some invisible utilitarian value to the company. If so, whatever it is, it totally escapes me. As far as I could tell, Monikah is a very attractive woman who suffers from what used to be called "Stewardess Syndrome."
Years ago, airline stewardesses had to be registered nurses with an outgoing, friendly personality with drop-dead good looks. These stewardesses would socialize and often party with the pilots. Occasionally, a stewardess would get one of the pilots to marry her. Afterwards though, she would sit at home and worry her pilot-husband was doing with the other stewardesses what she used to do with the other pilots. She would become jealous, over-protective and paranoid. In my opinion, that exactly describes Monikah Jone. I think the only reason she works for Nutcasebizz is "to protect her turf."
Did I mention Neta is Monikah's sister? Although both of them are drop-dead good looking, Monikah is extremely threatened by the fact Neta is 10-years younger. Monikah is constantly accusing Neta of having sex with Alec.
Situations like this are not only ugly, they also have a very adverse effect when you are trying to run a profitable business. For example, we were going to use "before-and-after" photos of Neta in the second (the winning) ad I created for Nutcasebizz. Neta had gained an enormous amount of weight during her pregnancy and she said she lost that extra weight after the birth of her baby with the help of Nutcasebizz diet products. Even though those pictures were perfect for the ad, it turns out we were "forbidden" to use them.
Why? Because Monikah said she somehow felt these photos would cast an improper image of the company. When Monikah was reminded she herself used to enter (and win) bikini contests on a regular basis... she said that was different. I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. How could using modest photos of her sister in a "before-and-after" diet ad possibly be negative for the corporation?
What I think though is, Monikah is one of those sad people who has relied on her looks all her life to get what she wants. Now that she's "a little longer in the tooth," she is very frightened by younger women... especially... her own sister whom she feels has eclipsed her in physical beauty. It is indeed a sorry situation when a man or woman has nothing else in their "tool kit" for getting through their lives than their physical appearance.
Unfortunately, this obsessiveness about relying on physical appearances has rubbed off on Neta. This mindset caused her to have a completely unnecessary surgery to enhance the size of her breasts. Not to be outdone, you can be sure if she hasn't already, Monikah too will soon have a boob job... and... unless I miss my guess, an unnecessary face lift and other cosmetic surgeries.
It all makes me sad. Monikah and Neta both are extremely attractive women. Unfortunately, it's men like Alec who make them feel so insecure, these women believe they have to resort to any means possible... to be attractive enough... to deserve these assholes' attention.
Not only does Alec have his wife working for him, he also has his brother working for the company. His brother has his girlfriend working for the company. Now try to follow this: While I was in New Jersey, the brother's girlfriend registered a complaint about Neta to the effect Neta was trying to seduce her boyfriend (Alec's brother). This was based on Neta's supposedly flirting with Alec's brother during a meeting which I attended.
Even though Neta was dressed very conservatively at that meeting, supposedly, when she leaned across the table to pick up some papers or something, it was possible to see a 1/4 inch of her bra strap where it crossed one of her shoulders. I can assure you Neta was in no way flirting with Alec's brother or in any way trying to seduce or titillate anyone. The fact of the matter is, she's a very hard-working individual and the most valuable person who works for Nutcasebizz. Neta's efforts have been Herculean in trying to make Nutcasebizz a profitable company... despite the fact... she has to work with a group of people jealous of her appearance (and ability) who moronically try to thwart her efforts at every turn.
Unfortunately, by this time, I had introduced Alec to some of my most important contacts in the direct response business. I was embarrassed I had done this since none of my colleagues much liked working with a man who can't focus on a conversation for more than 20-seconds without allowing himself to be interrupted. They've told me Alec is constantly paying his bills late, changing ad schedules, making unnecessary and foolish revisions to the ad copy, asking idiotic questions, besides being an all-around aggravation for everyone who works with him.
Now that you get an idea of how truly dysfunctional Nutcasebizz is, let's get back to the issue of my commissions.
Alec said he received a couple of letters regarding the new diet ad from Attorney Generals in two different States. Anyone who runs any type of diet ad knows these types of letters are routine. Since Alec didn't know what to do, I gave him the name of one of the most competent and hard-boiled attorneys with which I have ever worked.
This attorney scared the living shit out of Alec. What he did was analogous to comparing Alec's business with someone attempting to drive a car from Los Angeles to New York. Yes, it's true you could get lost in a bad part of town, or your tires could explode, or you could get in an accident. All of these are things which could happen... and thus... a trip like this should not be undertaken by someone who drives as incompetently as Alec runs his business.
At that point, Alec panicked and stopped running the winning ad I had written for him. This is the outcome I had hoped for. You see, the "alphabet agencies" don't scrutinize newspapers extremely carefully looking for ads which are fraudulent. They're too busy for that. These agencies are like cops and only respond to complaints. Cops don't go door-to-door asking homeowners if they've had any problems recently. No, police are too busy to respond to anything except the "squeals" which come across the radios in their patrol cars. But the ad Alec was running was generating a lot of complaints. Mostly because he didn't have competent people to answer the phones, answer the customers' questions or, ship the product on a prompt basis.
I simply wanted Alec Jone to completely get out of the direct response business. I thought it would be a good thing for all concerned if he remained in the sleazy occupation he was in before meeting me. He was a "hypnotist" who ran around the country screaming at people during his seminars who supposedly hypnotized them into giving up smoking and losing weight. There may be an exception but, just for the record, I have never met a hypnotist, with a shred of ethics. This business of Alec's had generated (even before I met the man) all kinds of flack from Attorney Generals in States like Rhode Island, Texas, Pennsylvania and others too numerous to mention.
Since he couldn't stop all the ads from running which were already scheduled, I asked Alec what he was going to do about the residual orders still coming in from those magazine ads and other publications. His answer was simple: He was going to keep the money from all those orders... however... he was not going to pay me my commissions. Take note boys and girls: In actuality, if the ad wasn't "clean" (as Alec claimed)... then... he should have simply returned all the orders he received from that ad. In that case, I would have felt fine about him not paying me my commissions.
I told Alec if he was going to keep the money from these orders and not pay me my commissions, he was going to have to deal with me in court. He replied, 'fine, go ahead and sue me. You'll win the lawsuit but, it will delay me from having to pay you for a considerable length of time.'
Good Sirs and Fair Maidens, this moron kneweth naught with whom he dealteth.
I'm suing him alright but, not for any commissions he owes me. No, Step 1 in handling a Nightmare Client is...
Suing For Civil Fraud!
The FDA, FTC and Postal Authorities are going to be watching my civil lawsuit against Alec like hawks. You know how O.J. won the criminal lawsuit against him but lost the civil one? That's because the lawyers did it backwards. Let me explain: A civil lawsuit is far less restrictive in what information you can force the defendant to give you... than... what you can obtain in a criminal lawsuit. So, if you first bring out all the negative shit in a civil case, it makes winning a criminal case a slam dunk... because... you have all those nasty, negative facts you obtained in the much more liberal atmosphere of civil litigation.
If you've read my book, How To Make Maximum Money In Minimum Time, and have read the chapter entitled "The Dark Side Of Success" you have probably figured out the various "alphabet agencies" would love to have me work with them. I very seldom choose to do this. I don't like snitching anyone out... even if they deserve it. Although in some cases, people are so blatantly evil and dishonest, I will help the authorities put them away.
For example, there's a guy named Frank Sarcone, who never made $60,000 a year until I started working with him. When my commission checks reached the level of $126,000 per month, Frank decided to stop paying me. This decision was based on the advice of his business manager who, at that time, was his live-in girlfriend. She has since bankrupted him and Frank has now been forbidden by the powers-that-be to ever work in the direct response business again. But, you know what? Frank lives undercover in the Fort Lauderdale area and is operating a direct response business using some brain-dead loser as a "front." The authorities are soon going to learn this and incarcerate him. Any ideas on how they are going to get all this inside info? You be right... Sir Gary of Halbert is going to see they have it.
Another guy in Texas (John Polk) hired me to write an ad for him featuring Ronnie Milsap, the country singer. I thought John was going to be running the ad in newspapers and use it in a direct mail campaign. That wasn't how he used it at all. No, what he wanted was to brag to people in multi-level marketing meetings they should join him in his MLM scam because he had secured the services of the world's best copywriter. This made me livid. Where do you think John is now? He's serving out a six year term in a federal prison in Texas. Want to take a stab at who put him there?
My guess is (because a little bird told me) Alec Jone is also going to wind up incarcerated. In my opinion, he's not going to do too well during his imprisonment. He talks and acts tough... yet... he's nothing more than a loud-mouth, New Jersey street punk and I would venture to say by the time he serves his sentence, his asshole will approximate the size of the Holland Tunnel. Prisons are not populated by women, relatives and employees who will eat shit from people like Alec. Prisons are populated by real, hard-core, tough guys who, I surmise, will have him wearing lipstick, bras, panties and dresses in record time.
Proceeding with Step 2 in dealing with a Nightmare Client...
Turn Off The Money Spigot!
To do this, I am sending a certified letter to newspaper space banks, standby ad placement agencies, print media sources and the like. My letter will inform each of them Alec Jone is continuing to run a suspect ad, of the forthcoming civil and criminal proceedings, along with the fact if they continue to run ads for him, they will do so at the risk of having to deal with a conspiracy indictment filed against them.
Because Alec also has his own (incompetent) in-house advertising agency, I am writing a separate letter to every newspaper in the SRDS telling them about Alec and why they should not accept any of his ads.
Is there another step in dealing with Nightmare Clients? You bet your bippee there is! Step 3 is...
Piercing The Corporate Veil!
Alec probably thinks because of his "corporate veil" his personal money will be invulnerable. Little does he know his corporate veil is going to be pierced in a micro-second... and therefore... he is going to be drained of not only all his business money... but also... he'll be drained of all his personal assets.
Does all this sound a little over the top to you? Do you think maybe I'm overreacting? If so, let me tell you of a stomach-turning event which occurred to me about 2-1/2 weeks ago.
I'm sitting in the salon of my houseboat, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the Miami Herald. I turn the page... and... lo and behold... there is almost word-for-word the exact ad I had written for Nutcasebizz! You guessed it, the very same ad Alec said he wasn't going to be running any more. There were a few cosmetic changes but, I bet if you put that ad side-by-side with my ad, you'd be hard put to find those changes.
This Nightmare Client of mine is a thief, a bully and a simpleton... all rolled up into one.
I intend to pound this man completely out of the direct marketing business. I don't care if he's selling hypnosis seminars, diet products or Bibles. I don't care what company names he uses or how cleverly he attempts to disguise the fact he is running these businesses. I have two detectives watching every move he makes. And every time there is an opportunity to thwart him, I will be there to do it for all the rest of his days.
Do you think I like doing this? Actually, I hate it. I would much rather help people than hurt them. But Alec is a loud-mouth bully who hires doctors who really aren't doctors, incompetent attorneys... and... wives, relatives and other family members who he abuses with impunity. If the law allowed it, I'd simply take him out in an alley to beat the living shit out of him. Of course, it's not legal so, I'll do the best I can with other methods.
To prove to you I only take this kind of action as a last resort, I will tell you what else I did recently. Since Monikah and Neta are directly involved, I sent a multi-page fax to each of them. I wanted to give them the opportunity to see how this situation could be resolved quickly and peaceably. You know what? Neither of them has even bothered to acknowledge the terms of that fax. Maybe it's because Alec or his bullshit "corporate counsel" didn't want them to see the fax so, they didn't give it to them. Or maybe it's because Monikah and Neta don't understand how real and immediate this situation is.
Oh well, I tried.
Sincerely,
Gary C. Halbert
P.S. Alec and his attorney have tried to make the point they relied on me to write a clean and honest ad for them and, if anything goes wrong, I too will be liable. That's utter bullshit. True, some copywriters get indicted along with their clients... however... those copywriters are partners with their client. Me? I'm not Alec's partner and, in fact, I don't even get paid for the work I did for him.
Secondly, holding a copywriter or an advertising agency responsible for the claims made in an ad would virtually stop all advertising in America. How so? Suppose a client came out with a new car and asked a copywriter to write an ad about it. This client told the copywriter the car gets 51 miles per gallon, has 265 horsepower, and will go from 0-to-60 in 4.5 seconds. Is the copywriter or the advertising agency supposed to test this car somehow and figure out if it really does have 265 horsepower or if the other claims about the product are true? No, of course not.
It is he who publishes an ad who is responsible for the claims in the ad.
Alec's corporate counsel sent me a memo of how he "reluctantly" approved my ad. That's like saying he "reluctantly" agreed to drive the get away car after his comrades robbed the bank. With that statement, Alec's corporate counsel is now going to join Alec, Monikah, Neta and the good doctor in being sued and indicted. These people are truly crazy.
P.S.#2 Anyway, I hope for those of you who decide to become copywriters, you have gotten some useful ideas from this newsletter on how to handle "Nightmare Clients."
Peace.
*The story is true but some of the names have been changed.*
Tuesday, 21 June 2016
Are You Guilty Of Committing These 10 Stupid Things?
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
Let's talk about dumb.
Once upon a time, there was a young, hot-shot advertising guy whose string of successes had made him a legend in his own mind. He had created several spectacular direct mail and space campaigns and, full of himself and his own self importance, he truly believed he could do no wrong. In fact...
His Touch Was So Deft
His Vision So Pure
He Could Make No Mistakes
Of This He Was Sure
Whatever. In any case, it eventually came to pass that our cocky, young turk took it upon himself to create a direct response campaign for a product he had never sold before. That product was a diet book. His client, completely bedazzled by this ego-driven little monster, gave him total carte blanche to create the campaign. And so, the first thing our hero did was create a full page long copy newspaper ad that positively crackled with energy and brilliance.
The second thing he did was create a radio commercial to "advertise his advertising" and he scheduled quite a number of these radio spots to be run just prior to the appearance of the newspaper ad.
The third thing he did, because he was so in love with his work, is he insisted on recording the commercial himself. Here's how it went:
ATTENTION ALL FAT PEOPLE! DOES YOUR GARBAGE MAN DELIVER INSTEAD OF COLLECT AND THEN YELL "CHOW TIME!"?
WHENEVER YOU GET ON AN ELEVATOR, NO MATTER WHAT BUTTON YOU PUSH, DOES IT ALWAYS GO DOWN?
WHENEVER YOU GO SHOPPING FOR GROCERIES, DO YOUR NEIGHBORS LAUGH BEHIND YOUR BACK AND SAY, "THAT LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE MARKET AGAIN?"
LISTEN: FAT AIN'T WHERE IT'S AT. LEARN HOW TO GET RID OF IT. READ THE AKRON BEACON JOURNAL. READ IT TOMORROW. LOOK FOR THE PAGE WITH THE BIG HEADLINE THAT SAYS:
THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT FAT PEOPLE: HERE'S HOW YOU CAN HELP GET RID OF THEM.
THAT'S TOMORROW IN THE BEACON JOURNAL. LOOK FOR IT!
BYE PORKY.
That radio spot ran over and over just before the appearance of the newspaper ad. It was the talk of the town. After hearing that brilliant commercial, the good people of Akron, Ohio could hardly wait for the appearance of that wondrous ad.
And appear it did. The very next day. It all its glory. A full newspaper page of long, tightly written copy that told how fat people were sucking up more than their fair share of the resources of the earth. How they needed more food to feed them; more clothes to clothe them; more fuel to transport them; more medical attention; and so on. The ad also told how fat people could cure themselves of the condition of being fat by simply sending for the diet book that was mentioned (briefly) in the ad.
What a spectacular campaign! A full page ad backed by all those fantastic radio spots. Cleverness! Humor! Creativity! And, a new approach that had never before been used!
And Only Three Lousy Orders!
Yes, friends and neighbors, after all that hype and all that expense, this truly unique and spectacular campaign pulled in a grand total of three whole orders. Rather sad, isn't it? At least for the client who, on this test campaign, lost many, many, many thousands of dollars. You know, the marketing moron who created this financial fiasco did, eventually, learn a great deal about the diet market and how to sell diet books and products. Unfortunately, however, he did so at his client's expense.
Do you think that's fair? Do you think that a client should have to pay for an advertising guy's marketing education?
I don't either. Not unless the client and the marketing guy are (as is the case in the above example) one and the same person. Yes, boys and girls, the marketing moron who created that monstrosity of a campaign was none other than yours truly, Sir Gary of Halbert, The Prince of Print, The Ace of Space and all around Bon Vivant.
Who is also sometimes known as Gary Stupid: The In-print Idiot.
All of which I hope will serve to take a bit of the sting out of some of the blistering criticism that follows. Enough babble. Let's get to the meat of this letter. As I said last month, this month I am going to address the subject of:
Does Your High-Priced Ad Agency
Do Any Of These 10 Stupid Things?
Stupid Thing #1: Blazing A New Trail
When The Road Is Already Paved
Re-inventing the wheel is dumb. Not doing your homework is unforgivable. Finding out what has worked in the past or, better yet, what's working now is the first step that is usually not taken by an ad agency when it takes on a new account.
That's irresponsible. The first thing I do (now) when I agree to create a new direct mail campaign for a new client is review everything he has mailed before and get result figures for each of those mailings. The second thing I do is get copies of everything his competitors have been mailing and see what sales arguments and marketing themes are being repeated over and over. I am not indifferent to this information. I am no longer so sure that all my new ideas (like making fun of my prospects) will be more compelling than the tried and true sales arguments that have been working for a long time.
No. What I am much more likely to do, these days, is to concentrate on how to more effectively dramatize those in-print sales appeals that have already been proven to strike the most responsive chords. For example, let's say someone already has a marginally successful direct mail campaign for a product that is made in Japan. In that case, what I might do is get a bunch of 1-year Japanese coins (you can get hundreds of them for a dollar) and attach one of those light-weight, little aluminum eye catchers to the top of each of my sales letters and write something like this:
Dear Friend,
As you can see, I have attached a little Japanese 1-yen coin to the top of this letter. Why have I done this? Actually, there are two reasons.
#1. I have something very important to tell you and I needed something to help me get your attention.
#2. And secondly, since what I have to tell you concerns money and was discovered in Japan, I thought some little Japanese "financial eyecatcher" would be appropriate.
Here's what it's all about: etc., etc., etc.
And the etceteras, of course, are where I get into those tried and proven sales arguments, now that I've got my prospects attention!
Want to know a neat little trick that will make you look good? Of course you do. Look: Suppose you are assigned the task of writing a "killer" newspaper ad for a local furniture store. O.K. What you do is go to a big city newsstand and buy a few dozen out-of-state newspapers. Then you look through them and clip out all the furniture ads. And then, maybe in a Philadelphia paper, you'll find a great way to dramatize a furniture sale that can be replicated in some manner for your client in Chicago.
And he'll think you're a "creative genius"!
Stupid Thing #2:
Writing Slogans
Instead Of Long Copy
"Don't smoke. It's a matter of life and breath!" What a waste! I hate to think about how much money has been wasted on that bit of drivel. Smoking is an addiction. It's stronger (really) than heroin. Do you honestly believe that any nicotine addicts whatsoever have ever given up their habit because they heard that little jingle on the radio. Don't be ridiculous. If you really want to have even a chance at "selling" someone on the idea of giving up tobacco, you'd better use all the big guns you have. All the statistics, all the health hazards, all the benefits (improved appearance, etc.) you will enjoy when you quit and so on.
And so it is with whatever it is you are trying to sell. Listen:
It Can Never Be Too Long
It Can Only Be Too Boring.
And don't bother telling me how Abe Lincoln, when asked how long a man's legs should be, replied, "Long enough to reach the ground." It's an entertaining bit of folklore but hardly a premise upon which to build a marketing campaign.
The more you tell, the more you sell -
The more you tell, the more you sell -
The more you tell, the more you sell -
Stupid Thing #3:
Being Remiss
Instead Of Being
Redundant
I'm sure you've noticed that I have a tendency to repeat myself. I make no apologies. Many readers of this newsletter (including me) do not need so much to be taught something new, as they need to be reminded of what they already know.
Remember this: You will tire of your successful DM campaigns long before your market does. It is folly to change a successful campaign in midstream if that campaign is still working. Yet, believe it or not, it happens everyday. "We need something new. Something more creative. A fresh approach."
Oh yeah, who says so? Do the numbers say so? If not, don't you dare change a winner. If you've got a winner, I want you to keep using it over and over and over until the numbers say you need a fresh approach.
Consider this: If you've got a gorgeous, sexy spouse, I bet you've been romancing that same person over and over for a long time now, haven't you? Don't you think that's a bit much? Aren't you getting a little tired of the same old whispered endearments? And aren't you getting a little tired of saying (redundantly) the same old things (like, "I love you") over and over?
Well, you'd better not stop because, if you do, your honey just might start looking around to see what the competition has to offer.
And we wouldn't want that, would we?
Stupid Thing #4:
Being Remiss
Instead Of Being
Redundant
You know what? I have something else to say on this subject and I almost let it go. Can you believe that? I nearly made the same mistake I just finished describing! Which leads me to an interesting point. You know why I really write this newsletter? It's for me! You see, I've gotten sick and tired of forgetting to use what I already know and thereby, quite often, cheating myself out of big bundles of money. And so, because I've got a monthly deadline to give you my pearls of wisdom, I don't forget (so often) how to string a necklace for myself.
So, here's what else I have to say on this subject: Another way to be remiss instead of being redundant is to not tell your full story in every ad or direct mail piece. Don't ever believe that people (because of your redundant advertising) are so familiar with the benefits of what you are selling they only need to be reminded of your existence.
That's hardly ever true. Give your complete pitch every time you pay to get an audience!
Stupid Thing #5:
Not Making
Enough Cheap Mistakes
After You've Got A Winner
The last few paragraphs may have led you to believe that I believe "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" I do believe that. However, I also believe there's certainly nothing wrong with making a good thing better. And the way you do that is by testing. Now look, most of you already know about all the tests you should make that make sense. You already know you should test price. And headlines. And offers. And media. And lists. And so on.
But did you also know that, every once in a while, you should deliberately make "dumb" tests? Test that don't seem to make any sense at all? Here's an example. Hardly anyone ever runs full page direct response ads in small town newspapers because the CPM is way too high. In fact, some of those papers cost as much as $90 and more per thousand circulation and there's just no way to make your nut with numbers like that.
Or so I thought. Until I tested and found out that one of my full page diet ads would pull as much as 20 or 30 times ad cost in those little sweethearts!
Zowie! You know, it took a while but I finally figured out why those little papers were pulling so well. You see, because of their high CPM's, hardly anyone ever runs direct response ads in those papers and, consequently, when a high-tech, slam bam, DR ad does appear, it is reaching a virgin market. In fact, the appearance of one of those ads in those small papers is so rare that it is actually an event.
Sort of like taking a Broadway play to Podunk.
So, after you've got a winner, every once in a while test something that "doesn't make sense." Like a ridiculously high price. Or a ridiculously low one. Or a list from "left field." Or a triple your money back guarantee. Or letters that appear to be written by hand. Or letters with $5 bills attached to them that ask for a telephone call whether the reader is going to order or not. Or reply envelopes with live stamps instead of a permit number (this one might really surprise you). Or a totally different appeal instead of one that makes sense.
You know, once a young girl said, "Gee, why didn't you tell me that smoking makes your skin look awful? I would've quite a long time ago!" Isn't that something? This young lady's appearance was, to her, much more important than the threat of lung cancer.
And that little fact, which is also true of tens of millions of other smokers, is totally unknown to the surgeon general.
Stupid Thing #6:
Underestimating
Human Greed
Lurking deep within us all is a ravenous monster and that beast has an appetite that cannot be sated.
Guess what? Immediately after I wrote that last sentence, Marshall Sutton, a friend of mine, (he's a list broker), walked into my office with a mailing from Newsweek to which he was responding. You know why? It's because it offered him a savings of $83.25 off the $104.00 cover price. He said he didn't particularly want the magazine but the savings were just too real and too great to pass up.
Hmn? I wonder if that other guy I know who dates 10 women a month would be interested in one more? Could it be that that self made man who already has 10 million dollars would be interested in more money? Do you honestly believe that all those rich women in Beverly Hills would undecorously scratch and scramble to get in on a department store's annual half-price sale? Or that that customer who already subscribes to six girlie magazines would buy yet another? Or that that movie star with seven cars would even consider buying one more?
Listen: People are greedy, greedy, greedy.
Offer outrageous bargains. Offer convenience beyond belief. Provide unheard of service. Give away free TV's to everybody who buys your Cadillacs. Give rebates.
In short, when all else fails, offer bribe!
Stupid Thing #7:
Overestimating
Human Intelligence
Anything that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. Explain things in baby talk. Even when you are writing to college professors or nuclear physicists. Infer nothing. Explain everything. Lead people by the hand as though they were children. Use short words. Short paragraphs. Simple English.
You know, it is my conceit that I can beat any mail control ever written. In fact, head-to-head, split-run tests, the least I have been able to improve any control over the last 14-months has been by a margin of 72%.
Except one.
Can you believe it? I, Sir Gary of Halbert, actually lost to an existing control. Well, I did and I don't like it! And so, refusing to allow this smudge on my self-image to continue to exist, I have contacted my client and asked him many, many questions. And you know what I found out? He told me that 20% of his orders are in cash and another 30% are money orders. Do you know what that means? Quite simply, it means that at least 50% of the people to whom I was writing were not even sophisticated enough to have a checking account!
So much for my $19.95 price and a few other changes I made based on the assumption that my audience was literate. Stay tuned. I'm a poor loser and, not only that, if I put my mind to it, I think I can get down to almost anyone's level.
Anyway, we'll see.
Stupid Thing #8: Guessing What
They Want Instead Of
Asking Them
As I said in my comments under Stupid Thing #1, the first thing you should do, when trying to create a new promotion, is to see if (and how) that particular marketing problem has been solved before. But what if it hasn't? What if what you are trying to sell is some product or service that is new, that has never been sold before? Well, I'll tell you, you know what a dumb guy who works for a dumb ad agency will do? Very simple: he'll start guessing!
Guessing what appeals to use. Guessing which groups of people will most likely buy the product. Guessing what the best price will be. Guessing what features to play up; which ones to play down.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. When you are spending tens and sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars of your client's money, it is irresponsible to try and "dream up" what the market will respond to. Instead, what you should really do, is go out and talk to people. Show them the new product or describe the new service. Ask people what they think. Would they buy it? At what price? What do they especially like about it? What do they especially dislike? What would make it more appealing to them?
And then, my friend, if you are a responsible person, you will build your campaign around, their answers instead of your guesses!
Stupid Thing #9: Failing To
Remember That People
Are Skeptical
The #1 reason for marketing failure is that people simply don't want what you are selling at all. The #2 reason is that people don't want it as much as they want the money they would have to give up for it. But, once you've overcome those first two reasons, then, the biggest joker left in the pack is that they don't believe you!
They don't believe the product will do what you say. They don't believe you will make good on your guarantee. They don't believe that you will even send the product to them. They don't believe you are honest or, that you will be around next year. Or, in a nut shell, they just don't believe you are sincere.
Here's how to overcome these concerns. First, never use a post office box, always use a street address. Always include your office telephone number in every ad or direct mail piece. Invite people to drop in and visit with you. Tell them details about where you are located like "We're right across from the street from the Burbank Public Library and right next door to City Hall." Tell people to call if they have questions and tell them who (by name) to ask for when they call. Consider allowing them to postdate their checks for 30-days. Give references. Include testimonials. Tell them the exact hours you are open. Etcetera.
Give Them Details, Details, Details!
Stupid Thing #10: Being Too Proud
To Ask For Help
Jay Abraham has one of the finest marketing minds on the planet yet, when he isn't sure what to do, he asks me. And guess what I do when I get stuck? Very simple. I ask him! Or somebody else. Or a whole bunch of somebody elses.
Look: In spite of all the things the marketing community does wrong, it still has some of the finest minds to be found anywhere. And the very best marketing minds never trust their fortunes to the poverty of their own imaginations and intelligence. No. Believe me, at the top, there may be competition, but it is a friendly sort of competition. The very top creative people are almost always givers. They give freely of their ideas, their opinions, their experiences and so on.
So don't try and do it all yourself. Don't let false pride stop you from reaching out for help. If nothing else, pick up the phone and call me at (213)273-7053. If I can't help you, maybe I'll know someone who can.
In any case, I almost always welcome a good excuse for avoiding the process of pulling out those damn legal pads and starting to write.
Sincerely,
Gary C. Halbert
AKA (sometimes)
"The In-Print Idiot"
P.S. Did you read that front page article in DM News in the January 1, 1987 issue? About how that guy from Connecticut got caught falsifying postal 3602 forms? I wonder if he knows a guy named Pedro?
P.P.S. Hey listen: Are you getting tired of working for a living? Fear not. Next month I'm going to teach you how to steal.
The ABC's Of Protecting Your Customer List!
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
Hark unto me. As promised, this month I'm going to teach you how to steal!
There's lots of theft going on in direct marketing, isn't there? Here is how (sort of) some of it got started. Once upon a time, there lived a man in Direct Marketing Land whose name was Cletus Fleetfeet. Clete was a bright boy. He had written a book on how to beat the horses and, after being rejected by several publishers, he decided to market the book himself by direct mail. He wrote a compelling sales letter and he put together a very effective, high-pulling DM package. He was able to mail this package with outstanding results to several lists.
Then, he had a stroke of real luck! He found a list of people who had already bought several other books on horseracing and were eager to buy more. This list was owned by a man named Ned Notsoswift and, although it took a lot of wining and dining, Clete finally convinced Ned to let him rent his list.
And so he did. With unreal results. He was selling his horseracing book for $59.95 plus $3.00 for postage and handling (total $62.95) and, when he mailed Ned's list, he got a 14% cash-with-order response!
He was in heaven. He decided to keep mailing Ned's list over and over with other offers on how to win at gambling. Pretty soon he had six different offers and he was developing new ones at the rate of one or two per month.
Clete was mailing like crazy. And making money hand over fist. And driving a big Caddy with a sunroof and mudflaps. And learning to eat caviar (which he hated) and to drink Dom Perignon (which he loved) and how to impress dumb little girls with small minds and big chests.
However, in spite of all this, Clete was in pain. Real pain. Big pain.
What was the source of his pain, you ask? It's quite simple: The source of Clete's pain was that $200.00 per thousand list rental he had to pay Ned Notsoswift every time he rented Ned's list. Clete hated that. It didn't matter to Clete that he was making a fortune mailing to Ned's list. No. What mattered to Clete was that he was now having to pay Ned upwards of $30,000 per month in rental fees.
And who the hell was Ned to deserve that kind of money? Hell, all Ned had to do, every time Clete wanted to use the list, was make a phone call and tell his letter shop to run off more labels. Thirty thousand a month for making a few phone calls? Unfair! Unjust! Outrageous!
And so, Clete decided to steal Ned's list.
And so he did. And he mailed it over and over and made lots of money. And poor old Ned, even though he was very suspicious, could never prove a thing so he took to drinking and shooting up with chicken fat until his arteries got all clogged and he died of a heart attack.
So much for Ned.
Clete, however, kept rolling right along. He continued to mail Ned's list and found several others that worked nearly as well. He would've also stolen these lists except, by this time, Clete had developed a rep. Nobody really trusted him. Therefore, when Clete came to these more savvy list owners, they said:
"Clete, we want to rent our lists to you because, like you, we are greedy for money. However, since we are somewhat paranoid, we have invented a procedure that hereinafter shall be known as salting the list."
And, of course, they went on to explain to Clete how that worked. How they would "salt" their lists with "dummy" names and how, if those names received more than one solicitation from Clete, they would know he had stolen the list.
Clete was chagrined. By this time, he was making a fortune but other people around him like printers, letter shops (and especially list owners) were making a little too and Clete didn't like that. Not one bit! So Clete started thinking and scheming, and eventually he figured out a new way to steal large portions of valuable mailing lists, even though those lists were liberally salted with decoy or "dummy" names. Here's how he did it. First, he contacted a computer expert and he told the guy that he wanted him to invent the "merge/purge".
"What's a merge/purge?" asked the expert.
"That's what you're going to invent," said Clete. "You see, many mailing lists that are made up of buyers of similar products have a lot of overlap. In other words, many of the names are on more than one list. So what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna tell all the owners of the gambling lists that I rent that it's unfair for me to pay six times for a name that appears on six different lists and identical promotions. And therefore I'm gonna tell them they should let me merge all the files and then purge out the dupes so I don't have to mail a name more than once. I'm also gonna tell those owners I should pay them a reduced rental rate and pay them on what I'm gonna call a ‘net name’ basis."
"Sounds good to me," said the expert.
Well, after a while, it sounded good to the owners also and they agreed to Clete's scheme.
Which, in fact, really was a good idea if used for legitimate purposes.
But, of course, we all know that sweet Ol' Clete had a bit of difficulty staying on the straight and narrow and, as I'm sure you've already figured out, an "invisible" benefit of the merge/purge process had already occurred to Clete. That benefit, of course, was that the process would enable him to steal a lot of names, in fact, the very best names, with no worries about getting caught.
You see, as Clete realized, a merge/purge kicks out only multi-buyers; those hot customers who have bought more than one gambling system, or diet book, or whatever. And, of course, a name that appears on more than one list cannot be a "decoy" name, can it?
It worked like this: Clete would get in a dozen or so mag tapes of lists he was going to use. He'd put them through a merge/purge process and kick out all the dupes. Then, he'd pay a reduced "net-name" rental to all the list owners plus he'd save a lot on mailing costs since he would only be mailing one solicitation to each multi-buyer.
But the big benefit, the one that made Clete really happy, was when he made a separate tape that contained all the dupes (which were the multi-buyers) which he then considered his own private property that he could mail to whenever he wanted, without paying any sort of rental fee.
Pretty neat, huh?
But wait. Clete wasn't finished yet. No sir. Not by a long shot. You see, after Clete mailed all his promotions to his hot new list, he decided to make even more money by renting that list to other mailers. That's right, what he did was, he made up a phony list card describing how the people on the list had responded to a certain non-existent offer, and he sent that card around to all the list brokers in the U.S. Now, some of these brokers were a bit suspicious since they'd never heard of the offer that was supposed to have built the list. However, no big deal. You see, that list really was hot. After all, it contained only multi-buyers and, therefore, it worked like crazy for a lot of mailers.
Clete's larcenous little heart just loved this kind of action. I mean, just imagine. In some cases he was renting names back to the same people from whom he'd stolen them!
But there was more to come. Clete decided to become the very best list thief in history. He purchased a controlling interest in the service bureau that was doing all his computer work and then, using a couple of his friends as a front, he set himself up in the list management and list brokerage business.
Here's how Clete works today: Every time any kind of list tape passes through his service bureau for any reason whatsoever, that mag tape gets duped. All those duped tapes are then run off against each other on a structured, orderly basis and then, whenever there is a match, in other words, when a certain name and address appears on more than one list, that name becomes Clete's property.
And what does Ol' Clete do with these names? It's very simple. Whenever he has a proprietary promotion that will work to these names, he mails it. And, when he doesn't, he'll create a mag tape out of some of them, create a phony list card to describe the names and then he rents them to the industry.
And wow, did Clete ever get sophisticated at this kind of stuff!
Check this out: In Washington D.C. there is a government agency called the Federal Election Commission. It is the job of this agency (FEC) to keep politicians honest (hyuk, hyuk) and elections clean; to minimize the control exerted by lobbyists, fat cats, and political action committees. It is mandated by federal law that all elected federal officials must give the FEC the name and the address of everyone who has contributed money to help them get elected. The amount donated must also be negotiated.
This list is a matter of public record. Everybody has access to it. However, it is illegal to use this list for fund raising or any kind of solicitation to get money to help some politician elected. This list is heavily seeded.
But oh so valuable.
So what is a guy like Clete to do? A guy who realizes the enormous potential of such a file and who is well connected to certain shrewd political hopefuls who know full well the power of direct marketing and the value of such a sweet list. How about this? How about running this file against a really huge file of compiled names like those maintained by Donnelly, Polk, or Metromedia, and looking for telematches?
And then, whenever you get a "hit" (match) you can mail that name with impunity, because, if push comes to shove, you can always say you got that name from the phone book.
Hmn? Has Ol' Clete got any other tricks up his sleeve? You bet! How about "tagging"? Let's say I've got a big list of 10 million names and let's say you rent me your list of 100,000 names which is made up of buyers of porno tapes. What I do, in addition to making that mailing you said I could, is also pass your little file against my big file and every time there is a match, (a "hit"), I tag the name on my file with that little bit of extra info that "tags" my guy as a lover of porno.
Does Clete know any other tricks? What? Are you kidding? Clete has a bushel of them and he comes up with new ones almost daily! I've hardly scratched the surface and I don't pretend to know them all. In fact, to tell the truth, I bet I don't know even 10% of Clete's tricks!
And he seems to be in the process of living happily ever after.
Who is Clete? Actually, he's a composite. There are any number (more than you would ever guess) of Cletes throughout our industry. Truly. There really are many service bureaus that automatically dupe and retain a copy of every file they receive. Do you know what that means? Do you fully understand the ramifications of what I've been trying to tell you here?
Listen. If you are actively engaged in direct marketing, your customer list is by far the most valuable asset your company will ever have. You know, I realized I could have told "Clete's story" in fewer words. However, I decided it was worth the risk of being criticized for being garrulous in order to drive home my point which is...
Mailing Lists Are Routinely Being Stolen Everyday!
Don't let it happen to you. Your customer list is the life blood of your company. Here are the ABC's of how to protect it:
#A. "Salt" your lists with a lot of decoy names. I know. I know. This advice is old hat. But the key words here are "a lot". Believe it or not, under today's conditions, if you have a customer list of 100,000 names, your list should contain no fewer than fifty decoy names. That's right. One out of every 2,000 names you send out for rental should be a decoy. Not only that, you should be systematically adding new decoy names at least once every month.
Here's an easy way to do this. Let's say your middle name is Clifford. O.K. then what you do is you ask permission of your friends and associates to use their last names and their addresses as part of your decoy system. Let's say you have a friend named Baker. Well, what you do is you make an arrangement with him to give you every piece of mail that arrives at his home or place of business that is addressed to "Clifford Baker". Do this with lots of people (as long as their first name isn't Clifford) and then have your service bureau make all those Cliffords (Clifford Baker, Clifford Halbert, Clifford Adams, etc.) part or your customer file.
And then, watch all that mail that goes to all those Cliffords "like a hawk."
By the way, you may also want to contact the U.S. Monitor Service (914-634-1331) and ask them about their mail decoy service. In addition, it may be worthwhile to check your phone book under "mailing receiving services" for the names of companies that rent private mail boxes.
#B. The next thing you should do, after you've liberally salted your own customer file, is you should salt the files of all of your competitors. It's easy. You do this by using a decoy name and becoming one of their customers. Now obviously, you can't always know when you get a mailing from one of your competitor's competitors if the second guy did or did not in fact rent the list. However, if your decoy name starts getting battered by mailings from one particular company, you might want to phone whomever owns the list you have decoyed and tell him you are getting a lot of mail from "Clete's Handicapping Service" and see if he has been renting his list all that much to Clete.
By the way, if you are actively engaged in direct marketing, you should make some sort of mail order purchase every month from every one of your competitors PLUS you should be one of the customers on every file you rent with any regularity whatsoever. You know, it never ceases to amaze me how few people do this. It's the cheapest market research you can buy. Just think: For a couple of hundred dollars a month, even a huge multi-million dollar company can know just about everything their competitors are doing!
#C. Become known as a "junkyard dog" when it comes to protecting your list. Let people know your list is liberally salted. Let people know you will actively pursue anybody you even suspect of pilfering your list. Every time you send out a mag tape, also send a letter that says in effect "DON'T YOU DARE COPY THIS LIST. DON'T EVEN DREAM OF STEALING THESE NAMES!" Then tell them who your attorney is (mine is Sid Vicious) and tell them how he gets paid a bonus for biting off the kneecaps of list thieves. And so on.
By the way, get yourself a copy of the list rental agreement you have to sign if you want to rent the Wall Street Journal or Barron's subscriber list. Now there's the way a rental agreement should look.
I'm sure you get the idea.
You know, I'm fearful this issue of my newsletter was not as interesting as some of the others. This time, I think some of the points may have been too obvious and old hat for many of you. I'm sorry if that's the case. However, if this elementary info helps save even one subscriber from falling victim to Ol' Clete, then maybe it was worthwhile.
And anyway, maybe I'll make it up to you next month by writing about something complicated.
Sincerely,
Gary C. Halbert
"The Sunset Scribe"
P.S. Would you like to hire me to help you improve your DM packages? If so you should call me right away, because, for a very brief period of time, I can now "be had" by my subscribers on a very favorable basis. Ask me why.
Hark unto me. As promised, this month I'm going to teach you how to steal!
There's lots of theft going on in direct marketing, isn't there? Here is how (sort of) some of it got started. Once upon a time, there lived a man in Direct Marketing Land whose name was Cletus Fleetfeet. Clete was a bright boy. He had written a book on how to beat the horses and, after being rejected by several publishers, he decided to market the book himself by direct mail. He wrote a compelling sales letter and he put together a very effective, high-pulling DM package. He was able to mail this package with outstanding results to several lists.
Then, he had a stroke of real luck! He found a list of people who had already bought several other books on horseracing and were eager to buy more. This list was owned by a man named Ned Notsoswift and, although it took a lot of wining and dining, Clete finally convinced Ned to let him rent his list.
And so he did. With unreal results. He was selling his horseracing book for $59.95 plus $3.00 for postage and handling (total $62.95) and, when he mailed Ned's list, he got a 14% cash-with-order response!
He was in heaven. He decided to keep mailing Ned's list over and over with other offers on how to win at gambling. Pretty soon he had six different offers and he was developing new ones at the rate of one or two per month.
Clete was mailing like crazy. And making money hand over fist. And driving a big Caddy with a sunroof and mudflaps. And learning to eat caviar (which he hated) and to drink Dom Perignon (which he loved) and how to impress dumb little girls with small minds and big chests.
However, in spite of all this, Clete was in pain. Real pain. Big pain.
What was the source of his pain, you ask? It's quite simple: The source of Clete's pain was that $200.00 per thousand list rental he had to pay Ned Notsoswift every time he rented Ned's list. Clete hated that. It didn't matter to Clete that he was making a fortune mailing to Ned's list. No. What mattered to Clete was that he was now having to pay Ned upwards of $30,000 per month in rental fees.
And who the hell was Ned to deserve that kind of money? Hell, all Ned had to do, every time Clete wanted to use the list, was make a phone call and tell his letter shop to run off more labels. Thirty thousand a month for making a few phone calls? Unfair! Unjust! Outrageous!
And so, Clete decided to steal Ned's list.
And so he did. And he mailed it over and over and made lots of money. And poor old Ned, even though he was very suspicious, could never prove a thing so he took to drinking and shooting up with chicken fat until his arteries got all clogged and he died of a heart attack.
So much for Ned.
Clete, however, kept rolling right along. He continued to mail Ned's list and found several others that worked nearly as well. He would've also stolen these lists except, by this time, Clete had developed a rep. Nobody really trusted him. Therefore, when Clete came to these more savvy list owners, they said:
"Clete, we want to rent our lists to you because, like you, we are greedy for money. However, since we are somewhat paranoid, we have invented a procedure that hereinafter shall be known as salting the list."
And, of course, they went on to explain to Clete how that worked. How they would "salt" their lists with "dummy" names and how, if those names received more than one solicitation from Clete, they would know he had stolen the list.
Clete was chagrined. By this time, he was making a fortune but other people around him like printers, letter shops (and especially list owners) were making a little too and Clete didn't like that. Not one bit! So Clete started thinking and scheming, and eventually he figured out a new way to steal large portions of valuable mailing lists, even though those lists were liberally salted with decoy or "dummy" names. Here's how he did it. First, he contacted a computer expert and he told the guy that he wanted him to invent the "merge/purge".
"What's a merge/purge?" asked the expert.
"That's what you're going to invent," said Clete. "You see, many mailing lists that are made up of buyers of similar products have a lot of overlap. In other words, many of the names are on more than one list. So what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna tell all the owners of the gambling lists that I rent that it's unfair for me to pay six times for a name that appears on six different lists and identical promotions. And therefore I'm gonna tell them they should let me merge all the files and then purge out the dupes so I don't have to mail a name more than once. I'm also gonna tell those owners I should pay them a reduced rental rate and pay them on what I'm gonna call a ‘net name’ basis."
"Sounds good to me," said the expert.
Well, after a while, it sounded good to the owners also and they agreed to Clete's scheme.
Which, in fact, really was a good idea if used for legitimate purposes.
But, of course, we all know that sweet Ol' Clete had a bit of difficulty staying on the straight and narrow and, as I'm sure you've already figured out, an "invisible" benefit of the merge/purge process had already occurred to Clete. That benefit, of course, was that the process would enable him to steal a lot of names, in fact, the very best names, with no worries about getting caught.
You see, as Clete realized, a merge/purge kicks out only multi-buyers; those hot customers who have bought more than one gambling system, or diet book, or whatever. And, of course, a name that appears on more than one list cannot be a "decoy" name, can it?
It worked like this: Clete would get in a dozen or so mag tapes of lists he was going to use. He'd put them through a merge/purge process and kick out all the dupes. Then, he'd pay a reduced "net-name" rental to all the list owners plus he'd save a lot on mailing costs since he would only be mailing one solicitation to each multi-buyer.
But the big benefit, the one that made Clete really happy, was when he made a separate tape that contained all the dupes (which were the multi-buyers) which he then considered his own private property that he could mail to whenever he wanted, without paying any sort of rental fee.
Pretty neat, huh?
But wait. Clete wasn't finished yet. No sir. Not by a long shot. You see, after Clete mailed all his promotions to his hot new list, he decided to make even more money by renting that list to other mailers. That's right, what he did was, he made up a phony list card describing how the people on the list had responded to a certain non-existent offer, and he sent that card around to all the list brokers in the U.S. Now, some of these brokers were a bit suspicious since they'd never heard of the offer that was supposed to have built the list. However, no big deal. You see, that list really was hot. After all, it contained only multi-buyers and, therefore, it worked like crazy for a lot of mailers.
Clete's larcenous little heart just loved this kind of action. I mean, just imagine. In some cases he was renting names back to the same people from whom he'd stolen them!
But there was more to come. Clete decided to become the very best list thief in history. He purchased a controlling interest in the service bureau that was doing all his computer work and then, using a couple of his friends as a front, he set himself up in the list management and list brokerage business.
Here's how Clete works today: Every time any kind of list tape passes through his service bureau for any reason whatsoever, that mag tape gets duped. All those duped tapes are then run off against each other on a structured, orderly basis and then, whenever there is a match, in other words, when a certain name and address appears on more than one list, that name becomes Clete's property.
And what does Ol' Clete do with these names? It's very simple. Whenever he has a proprietary promotion that will work to these names, he mails it. And, when he doesn't, he'll create a mag tape out of some of them, create a phony list card to describe the names and then he rents them to the industry.
And wow, did Clete ever get sophisticated at this kind of stuff!
Check this out: In Washington D.C. there is a government agency called the Federal Election Commission. It is the job of this agency (FEC) to keep politicians honest (hyuk, hyuk) and elections clean; to minimize the control exerted by lobbyists, fat cats, and political action committees. It is mandated by federal law that all elected federal officials must give the FEC the name and the address of everyone who has contributed money to help them get elected. The amount donated must also be negotiated.
This list is a matter of public record. Everybody has access to it. However, it is illegal to use this list for fund raising or any kind of solicitation to get money to help some politician elected. This list is heavily seeded.
But oh so valuable.
So what is a guy like Clete to do? A guy who realizes the enormous potential of such a file and who is well connected to certain shrewd political hopefuls who know full well the power of direct marketing and the value of such a sweet list. How about this? How about running this file against a really huge file of compiled names like those maintained by Donnelly, Polk, or Metromedia, and looking for telematches?
And then, whenever you get a "hit" (match) you can mail that name with impunity, because, if push comes to shove, you can always say you got that name from the phone book.
Hmn? Has Ol' Clete got any other tricks up his sleeve? You bet! How about "tagging"? Let's say I've got a big list of 10 million names and let's say you rent me your list of 100,000 names which is made up of buyers of porno tapes. What I do, in addition to making that mailing you said I could, is also pass your little file against my big file and every time there is a match, (a "hit"), I tag the name on my file with that little bit of extra info that "tags" my guy as a lover of porno.
Does Clete know any other tricks? What? Are you kidding? Clete has a bushel of them and he comes up with new ones almost daily! I've hardly scratched the surface and I don't pretend to know them all. In fact, to tell the truth, I bet I don't know even 10% of Clete's tricks!
And he seems to be in the process of living happily ever after.
Who is Clete? Actually, he's a composite. There are any number (more than you would ever guess) of Cletes throughout our industry. Truly. There really are many service bureaus that automatically dupe and retain a copy of every file they receive. Do you know what that means? Do you fully understand the ramifications of what I've been trying to tell you here?
Listen. If you are actively engaged in direct marketing, your customer list is by far the most valuable asset your company will ever have. You know, I realized I could have told "Clete's story" in fewer words. However, I decided it was worth the risk of being criticized for being garrulous in order to drive home my point which is...
Mailing Lists Are Routinely Being Stolen Everyday!
Don't let it happen to you. Your customer list is the life blood of your company. Here are the ABC's of how to protect it:
#A. "Salt" your lists with a lot of decoy names. I know. I know. This advice is old hat. But the key words here are "a lot". Believe it or not, under today's conditions, if you have a customer list of 100,000 names, your list should contain no fewer than fifty decoy names. That's right. One out of every 2,000 names you send out for rental should be a decoy. Not only that, you should be systematically adding new decoy names at least once every month.
Here's an easy way to do this. Let's say your middle name is Clifford. O.K. then what you do is you ask permission of your friends and associates to use their last names and their addresses as part of your decoy system. Let's say you have a friend named Baker. Well, what you do is you make an arrangement with him to give you every piece of mail that arrives at his home or place of business that is addressed to "Clifford Baker". Do this with lots of people (as long as their first name isn't Clifford) and then have your service bureau make all those Cliffords (Clifford Baker, Clifford Halbert, Clifford Adams, etc.) part or your customer file.
And then, watch all that mail that goes to all those Cliffords "like a hawk."
By the way, you may also want to contact the U.S. Monitor Service (914-634-1331) and ask them about their mail decoy service. In addition, it may be worthwhile to check your phone book under "mailing receiving services" for the names of companies that rent private mail boxes.
#B. The next thing you should do, after you've liberally salted your own customer file, is you should salt the files of all of your competitors. It's easy. You do this by using a decoy name and becoming one of their customers. Now obviously, you can't always know when you get a mailing from one of your competitor's competitors if the second guy did or did not in fact rent the list. However, if your decoy name starts getting battered by mailings from one particular company, you might want to phone whomever owns the list you have decoyed and tell him you are getting a lot of mail from "Clete's Handicapping Service" and see if he has been renting his list all that much to Clete.
By the way, if you are actively engaged in direct marketing, you should make some sort of mail order purchase every month from every one of your competitors PLUS you should be one of the customers on every file you rent with any regularity whatsoever. You know, it never ceases to amaze me how few people do this. It's the cheapest market research you can buy. Just think: For a couple of hundred dollars a month, even a huge multi-million dollar company can know just about everything their competitors are doing!
#C. Become known as a "junkyard dog" when it comes to protecting your list. Let people know your list is liberally salted. Let people know you will actively pursue anybody you even suspect of pilfering your list. Every time you send out a mag tape, also send a letter that says in effect "DON'T YOU DARE COPY THIS LIST. DON'T EVEN DREAM OF STEALING THESE NAMES!" Then tell them who your attorney is (mine is Sid Vicious) and tell them how he gets paid a bonus for biting off the kneecaps of list thieves. And so on.
By the way, get yourself a copy of the list rental agreement you have to sign if you want to rent the Wall Street Journal or Barron's subscriber list. Now there's the way a rental agreement should look.
I'm sure you get the idea.
You know, I'm fearful this issue of my newsletter was not as interesting as some of the others. This time, I think some of the points may have been too obvious and old hat for many of you. I'm sorry if that's the case. However, if this elementary info helps save even one subscriber from falling victim to Ol' Clete, then maybe it was worthwhile.
And anyway, maybe I'll make it up to you next month by writing about something complicated.
Sincerely,
Gary C. Halbert
"The Sunset Scribe"
P.S. Would you like to hire me to help you improve your DM packages? If so you should call me right away, because, for a very brief period of time, I can now "be had" by my subscribers on a very favorable basis. Ask me why.
Price Is Relative!
From:
W-A-Y West of Jewfish Creek
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
My friend Joe Sugarman came down for the Super Bowl and I invited him and his pretty daughter, Jill, to take a little cruise with me on the trusty Original Sea Hunt.
So, there we were, tooling around in Port Everglades when we come upon a huge, bloated and tasteless vessel called the Trump Princess. What I do is, I steer over to just a few yards from this vulgar monstrosity and I yell out to a crew member, "Hey! Tell Donald that Gary Halbert and Joe Sugarman are here!"
The crew member said he would... right after Mr. Trump finished his nap.
The next day, I'm cruising with another old friend, Sam Kendes, who looks something like Walter Matthau with a world-class hangover. And, once again, I approach the Trump Princess and this time I yell out, "Hey! Tell Donald I can't make the mortgage payment this month and ask him if he's got enough money to make it by himself for the next 30 days!"
No response. This crew member didn't seem to have much of a sense of humor so I tootled on about my business.
Anyway, all this got me to reflect a bit on the Trump Princess and I go to idly speculating on what such a monster tub would cost. (I know, I know. If you have to ask, you can't afford it.) Which also led me to realize that one of the most important areas for me to cover in this newsletter is the matter of what is the most profitable price for you to charge for your goods and services.
Let me begin to focus in on this crucial subject by making an important observation which is...
Price Is Relative!
Listen: Fort Lauderdale offers (if you can afford it), the highest quality of living to be found anywhere in the U.S. and, probably, the world. It has 6-1/2 miles of uninteruppted beach, 170+ miles of inland waterways, (much more than Venice, Italy), a gorgeous subtropical climate and, for sickos who like that sort of thing, lots and lots of sweet sexy maidens running around in string bikinis.
It also has the Jungle Queen.
The Jungle Queen (actually, there are several of them now) is a large passenger touring boat that leaves almost every night of the year for a fascinating and informative trip up the New River which slices East/West through the heart of this wonderful city. During the trip, the tour guide points out the local attractions and he makes a special deal out of showing off those yachts and homes that will get an "ooh" and an "ahh" from his audience.
Well, he certainly did a good job and he got a lot of "oohs" and "ahhs" from me and Paulette... but not for the reasons he would have guessed. You see, when he would point out a particularly magnificent waterfront house and then say, "And guess what, folks, if you're in the market, this one just happens to be for sale and you can pick it up for only "X" dollars!" and the audience would marvel because it was so expensive and Paulette and I would marvel because, to us, it...
Seemed So Cheap!
Hold on! I'm not trying to say we've got monster bucks. No. What I'm saying is that we are from L.A. and, in the City of Angels, it costs more to buy an average home in an average neighborhood than it does to buy a waterfront mansion in this neck of the woods!
Price Is Relative!
A few days after our Jungle Queen trip, I'm taking a course in powerboat handling from the Bahia Mar Yachting School (I did great) and I get to talking to one of my fellow students named Ed who is from some dreadful state like New Jersey or somewhere. Ed is retired now but, previously, he traveled all over the world building power plants for General Electric. So, we get to shucking and jiving about the cost of living in various geographic locations and he tells me how outrageous it is in Tokyo, Japan. It seems that, over there, you have to have your car inspected every three years at a cost of $2,500. Also, he says, it'll set you back about $1,000,000 to join a country club. Fruit, he says, is not sold by the bunch, but rather by individually wrapped pieces and a single banana, for example, will run you about eight smackers!
You know, here in Lauderdale, whenever we are presented with a bill for something, Paulette and I have a tendency (unless the bill has something to do with a boat) to giggle. That's because, to us, the tab always seems so low.
Price Is Relative!
And, did you ever notice how Japanese tourists seem to giggle constantly... even in Los Angeles? Why? It's very simple. You see, to them, even L.A. prices are a joke.
Price Is Relative!
I believe all of us have psychological price points of resistance that are embedded in our psyches since childhood. I, for instance, know what a hamburger is supposed to cost. It's supposed to cost 25¢ and, if you want a slice of cheese on it, it is supposed to cost 35¢. And a Pepsi is supposed to cost 10¢.
And don't you try to tell me different!
You see, I know all this because I bought hundreds of hamburgers, cheese-burgers, and Pepsis from Bell's Diner on Wooster Road in Barberton, Ohio when I was in my teens and therefore... I know what this stuff is supposed to cost.
A relevant side trip: Years ago, I and my family lived for several weeks at The Plaza Hotel (one of my favorites along with the Pierre) in Manhattan. Never mind that the rooms were costing me hundreds. Never mind that the air fares cost me thousands. Never mind that cocktails in the Oak Bar would set you back a small fortune. No. All I could focus on was that those robbers were charging me $5.50* for a room service hamburger. (*FOOTNOTE: I had Paulette call the Plaza and check and the current price for a room service hamburger is $19.00!)
Can you deal with that? Whew!
I want you to imagine something. I want you to imagine you are on the ground floor of a tall, narrow building with one room per floor. You've got a ten foot pole in your hands and you are pushing the sharpened, pointy end of that pole against the ceiling...
Which Is Made Of Hard Rubber!
You push and push. You sweat and strain and finally you break through to the second floor. And then, you run upstairs and you pull your pole through the hole you've made and it is almost effortless to keep your pole going up and up until you come to the hard rubber ceiling of the second floor. And then, once again, you meet a lot of resistance. But, once again, when you do break through, it's easy going until you come to the ceiling of the third floor.
And so on.
And so it is with points of price resistance. What I'm trying to illuminate here is that, once you break through a certain level of price resistance, you may as well go all the way to the next resistance point. For example, a common price point in mail order ads is $19.95. Now, most of my experience tells me that, if you are going above $19.95, you may as well go all the way to $39.95. And, after $39.95, you may as well go all the way to $69.95.
A curious story: Years ago, I was selling an El Cheapo impulse item and I tested $1.00, $2.00, and $3.00 and the $3.00 price won hands-down. But, when I tried to go above the $3.00 level -- even to just $3.10 -- my sales went right into the toilet!
So, how much should you charge for what you are selling? That's the real question, isn't it? Hang on. I'll cover that in just a bit. But first, here are a few ideas I have about price points:
t If you are going after "just slightly qualified" leads and you want to eliminate freeloaders, ask the folks to send you $1.00 or $2.00.
But, at this range, do not ask for a fractional mount like 97¢.
By the way, Blade Thomas (an excellent copywriter) and I once worked on an ad headlined "The Amazing Blackjack Secret of a Las Vegas Mystery Man" and we charged $2.00 for postage and handling for our written material and...
Those $2 Payments Covered The Entire Cost
Of A Full-Page Newspaper Ad!
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t $3.00 is probably the most viable price when you are trying to make a profit with a low cost impulse item.
If you are going above $3.00, I suggest you go all the way to $7.95 plus $1.00 postage and handling.
The next stop (if I were doing the testing) would be $9.95 plus $2.00 postage and handling.
Next: $14.95 plus $2.00 postage and handling.
Next: $19.95 plus $3.00 postage and handling.
Next: $39.95 plus $3.00 postage and handling. That's right. My experience leads me to believe that, after $19.95...
There Are No More Hard Rubber Ceilings
Until You Hit $39.95!
t Next: $69.95 plus $3.00 postage and handling.
t Next: $97.50 plus $5.00 postage and handling.
t Next: $134.50 and no postage and handling.
t Next: $195.00 and no postage and handling.
NOTE: These prices are not etched in stone. No. They are merely intelligent guidelines.
Now, here's another tidbit of interest: You notice I've emphasized that you should go from $19.95 straight to $39.95 with no stop in between, right? OK, but listen: That's only for when you are selling direct from the ad or letter. If your ad asks people to telephone and, at your end, you have people reading a short, low-pressure, "path-of-least-resistance" sales pitch, I suggest you ask for $24.50 which, for some strange reason, seems to be the price that proves out the most profitable in these situations.
Also, you can probably get away with having your phone person tack on another $3.50 for shipping, etc.
Another thought: If you are price testing on a new promotion, test at the lowest price at which you could reasonably hope to make a profit. Also, test this lowest price to a group of your very hottest prospects.
Why? Simply because most new projects fail and, if they are going to do so...
You Want To Fail As Fast As Possible!
Listen up: Time is the irretrievable element. What you don't want is to end up with bad numbers and be wondering, "Gee, maybe it would've worked if I only hadn't asked for so much money. Maybe I should re-test at a lower price."
No good. Look, Buckwheat, maybe this deal wouldn't fly even if you gave the item away and, if so...
You Want To Find Out
Your Very First Shot Out Of The Box!
Now, let's go to the other end of the scale. What if you're tying to sell something much more expensive like a seminar? Or a yacht? Or a Rolls Royce? Or your consulting services?
If so, my first piece of advice is...
Sell It For What It's Worth!
Don't ask for more. Even if some people will pay it. Why? Because it's not ethical, damn it, and you'll be cheating someone and that sucks.
Don't ask for less. If you do, you'll be cheating (and demeaning) yourself and that sucks also.
Come closer. Listen: I don't know for sure, but maybe I'm the most in-demand copywriter in the country. Believe it or not, I really do turn down 9 out of 10 prospective clients (read "Can You Afford to Hire the Amazing Prince of Print?" to understand why) and, because of this, I can, within reason, charge pretty much whatever I wish. However, in many cases, people are so eager to work with me that they are willing to pay far more than my standard fee.
But I Don't Take It!
And, why not? Simply because it isn't right. Look, whenever I go into a deal I do not go into it as a negotiator. No. I go into it as a detective. And what I'm trying to "detect" is what deal is fairest and most likely to work for everyone concerned.
I don't want more than my share.
I don't want less than my share.
You know, there are many people in the world of business who get their jollies out of besting someone else in a deal. They gloat when they find a printer down on his luck and they can squeeze him to sell them envelopes at less than cost. They hammer all their suppliers down to the last cent. If they're in direct mail, they want everybody's profit... even as far back as the guy who grows the tress that are used to make the paper the sales letters are printed on.
How sad. These guys are often wealthy and they think they are a success. But they're not. They're just lonely, lop-sided losers. Here's a composite picture of a typical American tragedy:
He's a multi-millionaire and he owns a chain of 73 retail widget outlets. He's 60 pounds overweight and his cholesterol level is sky high. He hasn't had a meaningful talk with his kids in five years and they're all taking drugs and think of him as a pathetic cartoon figure. He and his wife have separate bedrooms and his love life is nothing but a faded memory.
And so on.
And, can you guess what is the #1 priority of this miserable wretch? That's easy. What he's most concerned with is...
Opening His 74th Retail Widget Outlet!
What's that? You say you didn't subscribe to this letter so I could have a soapbox upon which to spew out my vapid moralizations? You say you want something really useful and immediately profitable on the subject of pricing?
Alright, what if I reveal unto you why the prices you are currently charging (no matter how many tests you've made) are probably way off the mark as far as maximum profitability is concerned? OK, boss? So, now hear this:
The Most Profitable Price
You Can Charge Varies Dramatically
Depending On How "Sold" Your Prospects Are!!!
Listen: About 70% of all adult Americans (including me) are porkers. Now, suppose someone offers one of us porkers a safe diet pill that we are 100% certain will let us continue to pig out to our heart's content and still lose weight like crazy? What would we pay for such a pill... if we were 100% sold that it would cure our weight problem forever?
Thousands. Thousands and thousands and thousands. Maybe even 100 or 200 thousand. And more!
Truly, it is so. But, since we are almost never "100% sold", we elect to take a "$19.95 chance" or a "$39.95 chance" or a "$69.95 chance" or whatever. Hey, let some lukewarm dork of a copywriter write a package for your investment newsletter and you may find that your best price (since you're only pulling in the hottest of the hot prospects) is very low... like maybe $19.95.
But then, if you're smart enough to pay the tab to get a real "killer" copywriter like Gary Bencivenga to do a direct mail package for you, you may find your most profitable price is much, much higher. Remember this:
A Lukewarm Sales Job
Forces You To Charge
Lukewarm Prices!
Often, a new client tells me that he "knows", from all his extensive split run tests, that his most profitable price is this or that.
Oh yeah? Well I never accept that at face value because I'm always thinking...
"You Don't Know Squat, Pilgrim --
Not Until Sir Gary Has Taken
A Shot At This Deal!"
Now, here's a very important insight I got from my friend Eric Weinstien who, for my money, is the best damn list broker in the country:
The Hottest (Most Responsive) Mailing Lists
Are Made Up Of Names Of People Who Have
Responded To The Weakest Of Offers!
Think about it. Only the hungriest fish will bite the crappiest bait.
OK, let's suppose you've got a strong sales presentation and you've tested all kinds of prices and you've come up with the one that works best for you. How do we improve on this? Trust me, you're going to love this insight -- which I'll begin to explain by reminding you that...
There Is No Law That Says
We Can't Charge A Different Price
To Different Groups Of People
Who Live In Different Geographic Locations
Or Who Have Different Income Levels
Or Perhaps A Different "Passion Level"
For What We Are Selling!!!
Hoo, haa Steverino! We're cooking now, ain't we?
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Who says we have to charge the people in Mississippi the same as we charge the people in Manhattan?
Who says we can't do a different price test in every different state?
Who says the price we charge in the National Enquirer has to be the same as what we charge in the New York Times?
Who says we have to charge the same price to M.D.'s that we charge to ditch diggers?
Hey, maybe we should start "customizing" our presentations, our product, our product's name and packaging and even our price...
According To Whom We Are Pitching!
Capisce?
Sincerely,
Gary
"The Price is Right"
Halbert
P.S.
I've recently come across a book I consider "must" reading. It's called "The Clustering of America" and it's written by Michael J. Weiss and published by Harper & Row.
P.P.S. Don't you dare miss next month's letter. It's one of the most important I'll ever write.
A final thought: BEWARE THE MAN WHO KNOWS THE PRICE OF EVERYTHING AND THE VALUE OF NOTHING
W-A-Y West of Jewfish Creek
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
My friend Joe Sugarman came down for the Super Bowl and I invited him and his pretty daughter, Jill, to take a little cruise with me on the trusty Original Sea Hunt.
So, there we were, tooling around in Port Everglades when we come upon a huge, bloated and tasteless vessel called the Trump Princess. What I do is, I steer over to just a few yards from this vulgar monstrosity and I yell out to a crew member, "Hey! Tell Donald that Gary Halbert and Joe Sugarman are here!"
The crew member said he would... right after Mr. Trump finished his nap.
The next day, I'm cruising with another old friend, Sam Kendes, who looks something like Walter Matthau with a world-class hangover. And, once again, I approach the Trump Princess and this time I yell out, "Hey! Tell Donald I can't make the mortgage payment this month and ask him if he's got enough money to make it by himself for the next 30 days!"
No response. This crew member didn't seem to have much of a sense of humor so I tootled on about my business.
Anyway, all this got me to reflect a bit on the Trump Princess and I go to idly speculating on what such a monster tub would cost. (I know, I know. If you have to ask, you can't afford it.) Which also led me to realize that one of the most important areas for me to cover in this newsletter is the matter of what is the most profitable price for you to charge for your goods and services.
Let me begin to focus in on this crucial subject by making an important observation which is...
Price Is Relative!
Listen: Fort Lauderdale offers (if you can afford it), the highest quality of living to be found anywhere in the U.S. and, probably, the world. It has 6-1/2 miles of uninteruppted beach, 170+ miles of inland waterways, (much more than Venice, Italy), a gorgeous subtropical climate and, for sickos who like that sort of thing, lots and lots of sweet sexy maidens running around in string bikinis.
It also has the Jungle Queen.
The Jungle Queen (actually, there are several of them now) is a large passenger touring boat that leaves almost every night of the year for a fascinating and informative trip up the New River which slices East/West through the heart of this wonderful city. During the trip, the tour guide points out the local attractions and he makes a special deal out of showing off those yachts and homes that will get an "ooh" and an "ahh" from his audience.
Well, he certainly did a good job and he got a lot of "oohs" and "ahhs" from me and Paulette... but not for the reasons he would have guessed. You see, when he would point out a particularly magnificent waterfront house and then say, "And guess what, folks, if you're in the market, this one just happens to be for sale and you can pick it up for only "X" dollars!" and the audience would marvel because it was so expensive and Paulette and I would marvel because, to us, it...
Seemed So Cheap!
Hold on! I'm not trying to say we've got monster bucks. No. What I'm saying is that we are from L.A. and, in the City of Angels, it costs more to buy an average home in an average neighborhood than it does to buy a waterfront mansion in this neck of the woods!
Price Is Relative!
A few days after our Jungle Queen trip, I'm taking a course in powerboat handling from the Bahia Mar Yachting School (I did great) and I get to talking to one of my fellow students named Ed who is from some dreadful state like New Jersey or somewhere. Ed is retired now but, previously, he traveled all over the world building power plants for General Electric. So, we get to shucking and jiving about the cost of living in various geographic locations and he tells me how outrageous it is in Tokyo, Japan. It seems that, over there, you have to have your car inspected every three years at a cost of $2,500. Also, he says, it'll set you back about $1,000,000 to join a country club. Fruit, he says, is not sold by the bunch, but rather by individually wrapped pieces and a single banana, for example, will run you about eight smackers!
You know, here in Lauderdale, whenever we are presented with a bill for something, Paulette and I have a tendency (unless the bill has something to do with a boat) to giggle. That's because, to us, the tab always seems so low.
Price Is Relative!
And, did you ever notice how Japanese tourists seem to giggle constantly... even in Los Angeles? Why? It's very simple. You see, to them, even L.A. prices are a joke.
Price Is Relative!
I believe all of us have psychological price points of resistance that are embedded in our psyches since childhood. I, for instance, know what a hamburger is supposed to cost. It's supposed to cost 25¢ and, if you want a slice of cheese on it, it is supposed to cost 35¢. And a Pepsi is supposed to cost 10¢.
And don't you try to tell me different!
You see, I know all this because I bought hundreds of hamburgers, cheese-burgers, and Pepsis from Bell's Diner on Wooster Road in Barberton, Ohio when I was in my teens and therefore... I know what this stuff is supposed to cost.
A relevant side trip: Years ago, I and my family lived for several weeks at The Plaza Hotel (one of my favorites along with the Pierre) in Manhattan. Never mind that the rooms were costing me hundreds. Never mind that the air fares cost me thousands. Never mind that cocktails in the Oak Bar would set you back a small fortune. No. All I could focus on was that those robbers were charging me $5.50* for a room service hamburger. (*FOOTNOTE: I had Paulette call the Plaza and check and the current price for a room service hamburger is $19.00!)
Can you deal with that? Whew!
I want you to imagine something. I want you to imagine you are on the ground floor of a tall, narrow building with one room per floor. You've got a ten foot pole in your hands and you are pushing the sharpened, pointy end of that pole against the ceiling...
Which Is Made Of Hard Rubber!
You push and push. You sweat and strain and finally you break through to the second floor. And then, you run upstairs and you pull your pole through the hole you've made and it is almost effortless to keep your pole going up and up until you come to the hard rubber ceiling of the second floor. And then, once again, you meet a lot of resistance. But, once again, when you do break through, it's easy going until you come to the ceiling of the third floor.
And so on.
And so it is with points of price resistance. What I'm trying to illuminate here is that, once you break through a certain level of price resistance, you may as well go all the way to the next resistance point. For example, a common price point in mail order ads is $19.95. Now, most of my experience tells me that, if you are going above $19.95, you may as well go all the way to $39.95. And, after $39.95, you may as well go all the way to $69.95.
A curious story: Years ago, I was selling an El Cheapo impulse item and I tested $1.00, $2.00, and $3.00 and the $3.00 price won hands-down. But, when I tried to go above the $3.00 level -- even to just $3.10 -- my sales went right into the toilet!
So, how much should you charge for what you are selling? That's the real question, isn't it? Hang on. I'll cover that in just a bit. But first, here are a few ideas I have about price points:
t If you are going after "just slightly qualified" leads and you want to eliminate freeloaders, ask the folks to send you $1.00 or $2.00.
But, at this range, do not ask for a fractional mount like 97¢.
By the way, Blade Thomas (an excellent copywriter) and I once worked on an ad headlined "The Amazing Blackjack Secret of a Las Vegas Mystery Man" and we charged $2.00 for postage and handling for our written material and...
Those $2 Payments Covered The Entire Cost
Of A Full-Page Newspaper Ad!
t
t
t
t
t
t $3.00 is probably the most viable price when you are trying to make a profit with a low cost impulse item.
If you are going above $3.00, I suggest you go all the way to $7.95 plus $1.00 postage and handling.
The next stop (if I were doing the testing) would be $9.95 plus $2.00 postage and handling.
Next: $14.95 plus $2.00 postage and handling.
Next: $19.95 plus $3.00 postage and handling.
Next: $39.95 plus $3.00 postage and handling. That's right. My experience leads me to believe that, after $19.95...
There Are No More Hard Rubber Ceilings
Until You Hit $39.95!
t Next: $69.95 plus $3.00 postage and handling.
t Next: $97.50 plus $5.00 postage and handling.
t Next: $134.50 and no postage and handling.
t Next: $195.00 and no postage and handling.
NOTE: These prices are not etched in stone. No. They are merely intelligent guidelines.
Now, here's another tidbit of interest: You notice I've emphasized that you should go from $19.95 straight to $39.95 with no stop in between, right? OK, but listen: That's only for when you are selling direct from the ad or letter. If your ad asks people to telephone and, at your end, you have people reading a short, low-pressure, "path-of-least-resistance" sales pitch, I suggest you ask for $24.50 which, for some strange reason, seems to be the price that proves out the most profitable in these situations.
Also, you can probably get away with having your phone person tack on another $3.50 for shipping, etc.
Another thought: If you are price testing on a new promotion, test at the lowest price at which you could reasonably hope to make a profit. Also, test this lowest price to a group of your very hottest prospects.
Why? Simply because most new projects fail and, if they are going to do so...
You Want To Fail As Fast As Possible!
Listen up: Time is the irretrievable element. What you don't want is to end up with bad numbers and be wondering, "Gee, maybe it would've worked if I only hadn't asked for so much money. Maybe I should re-test at a lower price."
No good. Look, Buckwheat, maybe this deal wouldn't fly even if you gave the item away and, if so...
You Want To Find Out
Your Very First Shot Out Of The Box!
Now, let's go to the other end of the scale. What if you're tying to sell something much more expensive like a seminar? Or a yacht? Or a Rolls Royce? Or your consulting services?
If so, my first piece of advice is...
Sell It For What It's Worth!
Don't ask for more. Even if some people will pay it. Why? Because it's not ethical, damn it, and you'll be cheating someone and that sucks.
Don't ask for less. If you do, you'll be cheating (and demeaning) yourself and that sucks also.
Come closer. Listen: I don't know for sure, but maybe I'm the most in-demand copywriter in the country. Believe it or not, I really do turn down 9 out of 10 prospective clients (read "Can You Afford to Hire the Amazing Prince of Print?" to understand why) and, because of this, I can, within reason, charge pretty much whatever I wish. However, in many cases, people are so eager to work with me that they are willing to pay far more than my standard fee.
But I Don't Take It!
And, why not? Simply because it isn't right. Look, whenever I go into a deal I do not go into it as a negotiator. No. I go into it as a detective. And what I'm trying to "detect" is what deal is fairest and most likely to work for everyone concerned.
I don't want more than my share.
I don't want less than my share.
You know, there are many people in the world of business who get their jollies out of besting someone else in a deal. They gloat when they find a printer down on his luck and they can squeeze him to sell them envelopes at less than cost. They hammer all their suppliers down to the last cent. If they're in direct mail, they want everybody's profit... even as far back as the guy who grows the tress that are used to make the paper the sales letters are printed on.
How sad. These guys are often wealthy and they think they are a success. But they're not. They're just lonely, lop-sided losers. Here's a composite picture of a typical American tragedy:
He's a multi-millionaire and he owns a chain of 73 retail widget outlets. He's 60 pounds overweight and his cholesterol level is sky high. He hasn't had a meaningful talk with his kids in five years and they're all taking drugs and think of him as a pathetic cartoon figure. He and his wife have separate bedrooms and his love life is nothing but a faded memory.
And so on.
And, can you guess what is the #1 priority of this miserable wretch? That's easy. What he's most concerned with is...
Opening His 74th Retail Widget Outlet!
What's that? You say you didn't subscribe to this letter so I could have a soapbox upon which to spew out my vapid moralizations? You say you want something really useful and immediately profitable on the subject of pricing?
Alright, what if I reveal unto you why the prices you are currently charging (no matter how many tests you've made) are probably way off the mark as far as maximum profitability is concerned? OK, boss? So, now hear this:
The Most Profitable Price
You Can Charge Varies Dramatically
Depending On How "Sold" Your Prospects Are!!!
Listen: About 70% of all adult Americans (including me) are porkers. Now, suppose someone offers one of us porkers a safe diet pill that we are 100% certain will let us continue to pig out to our heart's content and still lose weight like crazy? What would we pay for such a pill... if we were 100% sold that it would cure our weight problem forever?
Thousands. Thousands and thousands and thousands. Maybe even 100 or 200 thousand. And more!
Truly, it is so. But, since we are almost never "100% sold", we elect to take a "$19.95 chance" or a "$39.95 chance" or a "$69.95 chance" or whatever. Hey, let some lukewarm dork of a copywriter write a package for your investment newsletter and you may find that your best price (since you're only pulling in the hottest of the hot prospects) is very low... like maybe $19.95.
But then, if you're smart enough to pay the tab to get a real "killer" copywriter like Gary Bencivenga to do a direct mail package for you, you may find your most profitable price is much, much higher. Remember this:
A Lukewarm Sales Job
Forces You To Charge
Lukewarm Prices!
Often, a new client tells me that he "knows", from all his extensive split run tests, that his most profitable price is this or that.
Oh yeah? Well I never accept that at face value because I'm always thinking...
"You Don't Know Squat, Pilgrim --
Not Until Sir Gary Has Taken
A Shot At This Deal!"
Now, here's a very important insight I got from my friend Eric Weinstien who, for my money, is the best damn list broker in the country:
The Hottest (Most Responsive) Mailing Lists
Are Made Up Of Names Of People Who Have
Responded To The Weakest Of Offers!
Think about it. Only the hungriest fish will bite the crappiest bait.
OK, let's suppose you've got a strong sales presentation and you've tested all kinds of prices and you've come up with the one that works best for you. How do we improve on this? Trust me, you're going to love this insight -- which I'll begin to explain by reminding you that...
There Is No Law That Says
We Can't Charge A Different Price
To Different Groups Of People
Who Live In Different Geographic Locations
Or Who Have Different Income Levels
Or Perhaps A Different "Passion Level"
For What We Are Selling!!!
Hoo, haa Steverino! We're cooking now, ain't we?
t
t
t
t
Who says we have to charge the people in Mississippi the same as we charge the people in Manhattan?
Who says we can't do a different price test in every different state?
Who says the price we charge in the National Enquirer has to be the same as what we charge in the New York Times?
Who says we have to charge the same price to M.D.'s that we charge to ditch diggers?
Hey, maybe we should start "customizing" our presentations, our product, our product's name and packaging and even our price...
According To Whom We Are Pitching!
Capisce?
Sincerely,
Gary
"The Price is Right"
Halbert
P.S.
I've recently come across a book I consider "must" reading. It's called "The Clustering of America" and it's written by Michael J. Weiss and published by Harper & Row.
P.P.S. Don't you dare miss next month's letter. It's one of the most important I'll ever write.
A final thought: BEWARE THE MAN WHO KNOWS THE PRICE OF EVERYTHING AND THE VALUE OF NOTHING
I Didn't Have To Masturbate To Get My Heart Started This Morning!
Dear Friend and Subscriber,
I didn't have to masturbate to get my heart started this morning.
Plus, nothing evil or toxic seems to have happened to me so far today.
So, I should feel good but, I don't. No specific reason. I just feel
down-in-the-dumps. I guess I'm just like everyone else. Sometimes, I'm
just plain overwhelmed by life. On other days, I find myself inexplicably
cheerful, confident and optimistic. There doesn't seem to be much rhyme
or reason to it. Not as much as I'd like for there to be anyway.
Awhile back, some guy told me, "You know Gary, life is like a shit
sandwich. Everyday you get another bite. And the difference is , On good
days, you get more bread."
But, you know what? There is something I could do that almost always
cheers me up...so...I'm going to try it today. Here I go. What I'm
going to try to do today is...
Write A Good Newsletter!
Howzabout I give you some really simple, easy-to-execute little tips
that will make your marketing endeavors considerably more profitable?
Doesn't that sound like it has some "cheering-up-potential"? I think it
does so, here they are:
Tip #1: "Reading Statistics: What You Don't Know Could Be Killing
Your Advertising Results!"
Did you know that a clear 90% of the people in the U.S. read at a
grade seven (age 12) level or lower?
Also, did you know that research shows reading from a computer screen
is around 25% slower than reading from paper?
What should you conclude from these facts? Give up? Okay, it's this
You Must Write In Plain English...
Your Writing Must Be Simple... And...
It Must Be Clear!
That means short and simple words, sentences and paragraphs in your
copy. Are there any hard and fast rules? Not really. I'll give you some
guidelines, though.
As far as words, sentences and paragraphs go...don't use a ten-dollar
word when a simple one will work just as well. Keep your sentences
relatively short... say, 14-17 or less words. And if you have longer
ones, break them up with ellipsis... or dashes-.
As a general rule, paragraphs should not exceed 6 lines. However, I
usually stay around 2 to 4. And it's a good idea to mix it up... have
some one sentence paragraphs...even one or two word paragraphs...
Like this.
Actually, one of the best ways to learn how to write clearly is...
study proven sales letters. Find the ones you know are winners... that
are easiest to read and model their layout/style. If you're not already
colleting good sales letters, get started now. Get on the mailing lists
of Agora Publishing, Phillips Publishing and Rodale Books. And, if you're
really serious, buy at least one or two products from each of them.
You'll get more good to great sales letters, magalogs, bookalogs, etc.,
than you can shake a stick at... delivered right to your front door.
Here's another tip...
If you use Microsoft Word, you can test the readability of your ads
and sales letters. Here's what you do: Click on the Tools button at the
top of the screen. A menu will come up. In that menu click on Options.
Then you'll see a Spelling & Grammar button... click that. Then there's a
check box at the bottom that says, "Show readability statistics"... click
that. Then when you spell check your document, you'll get a box that
looks sort of like this...
Readability Statistics:
Counts___________
Words: 1037
Characters: 4909
Paragraphs: 38
Sentences: 96
Averages:_________
Sentences per Paragraph: 3.0
Words per Sentence: 10.3
Characters per Word: 4.3
Readability_______
Passive Sentences: 2%
Flesch Reading Ease: 74.6
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 5.4
Those are the readability statistics for this newsletter. Not bad. In
general, you should aim for a grade level of 6 or lower. And a reading
ease of 70 or higher.
Here's yet another tip...
Envision Your Customer As A Dolt!
My friend and colleague, Jeff Paul says that when he sits down to
write a sales letter or ad, he thinks of his average customer as being
just like Homer Simpson. (You know, the lovable oaf from the famous TV
show The Simpsons.) But not in a derogatory way. In this way: For every
word, sentence and paragraph Jeff writes... he asks the question: Would
Homer understand this? (Meaning: If Homer can understand it... my
customer will easily be able to.)
Great advice. By the way, I love it when Homer says...
"Doh!"
Anyway, don't worry about turning-off the brainiacs with your simple
writing style. They're apparently only 10% of the crowd. And, if it's
something they want to hear, they'll appreciate simple clarity... plus...
the rest of your audience will still be able to understand it.
And know this: People are busy and they are bombarded with 1000's of
advertising messages every day. If your sales message isn't bold,
dramatic... and ... SIMPLE... they'll just ignore it! You can't make them
work to understand your message.
One last thing: Since people read 25% slower from a computer monitor
than they do from paper... you'd better be extra clear when writing sales
materials online.
Tip #2: "Two Quick Formatting Tips That'll Boost Response To
All Your Ads And Sales Letters!"
Here's a couple of quick tips that'll boost response to all your ads
and sales letters. What's great about these tips... is they only take a
few minutes per promo to implement:
1. Don't end a page in your sales letters on a period...
or... a column of copy in an ad on a period.
2. Put a footer (in the bottom right hand corner) on all
your sales letters that says something like, "go to next
page". If you run multi-page newspaper or magazine
ads... do the same.
Here's why: When you end a page (or a column of copy) on a period, you
give the reader a chance to stop reading. Bad! Very bad! Instead, you
want to think of your promo as a greased slide, that, once they get on,
there's no way to stop until the very end... where they then whip out
their wallet and buy.
Let me take this a step further.
If, for example, a person is reading your sales letter (or ad) and is
near the end of a page... and the phone rings... if they can finish that
page because you ended it on a period... they are then much more likely
to do that and answer the phone. Doesn't have to be the phone. Any
distraction. And once they are distracted from your letter, that may be
your one chance to get an order... gone forever! Remember this:
Delay Is The Death Of A Sale!
Could you imagine a salesperson, in the middle of their pitch saying,
"Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom." They'd never make any sales...
or very few. Just remember: Once you've hooked 'em, don't ever, ever give
them any opportunity to get away!
Also, a footer that says, "go to next page" or "go to page 2" helps to
keep them moving down the greased slide, as well.
I can't tell you how many sales letters cross my desk without these
simple response boosters. And I'm not talking from amateurs either.
Advertising and Marketing Gurus (that I won't name here) make this
mistake... OFTEN! There's no reason to... other than laziness or
sloppiness. Don't make this mistake yourself. It'll cost you money!
Another thing you can do, is make your pages end on kind of a cliff-
hanger. Like right before you are getting ready to reveal a secret... or
something important.
On the following page is a perfect example:
Not only will I reveal how to double your income in 5 days or less, I'm also going to
(Go to page 2...)
Or something like that. Notice I put the footer in parenthesis and bold italics... use the bolding to draw attention... the italics are optional.
Here are a few other sample phrases you might use:
(go to the next page)
(next page please)
(Please go to the next page and continue reading...)
(turn over)
(over...)
Study ads and find others that you like. I personally keep it simple,
but specific (see example in the box above).
This is not rocket science... but... it sure can make a big difference
in response. How big? I'm not exactly sure. But it really doesn't matter.
It does make a difference... and ... it's simple to use. So why not do it?
Tip #3: "A Quickie Formatting Tip That'll Instantly Boost Response
To All Your Ads And Sales Letters!"
This tip is simple and easy to apply. And it's this: If you want to improve response to every ad and sales letter you write...
Put Your Headline In Quotes!
How well does this work? Well, to tell the truth, I'm not exactly sure.
Here are a couple of statistics I've read. David Ogilvy in his book
Ogilvy on Advertising says, "When you put a headline in quotes, recall
goes up 38%." Another stat I read says, "...headlines in quotes receive
28% more attention."
I'm not sure what the difference is between "recall" and "attention"...
but I don't really care. Quotes around your headline compel more people
to read your ad or sales letter... so... I use them. You should too!
Another thing I've taken to, is if I have subheads under my main headline... I put them in quotes too. BUT... I don't close my quotes
until the last subhead. Again, on the next page is an example:
“Send no money… it’s free and easy to get started…
but only for a limited time…
“Who Else Wants To Be Spoonfed
The Hottest Moneymaking Secrets
Known To Man?
“Each and every month, Key West entrepreneur and self-made
millionaire, Nancy Jones does an in-depth interview and
uncovers the innermost secrets of a “super high-achiever” in
the field of business of personal success… and… delivers it on
audiotape to the doorsteps of her exclusive mastermind
members. Now, at last, you can become a member too and get
a multi-million dollar business and success education in the
comfort and leisure of your own home (or car).
“It’ll cost you nothing to get started. Plus, if you’re not
satisfied… for any reason or no reason at all… you’ll pay
nothing ever - guaranteed! (Please read this entire message
right away because, this offer is strictly limited and expires
for good on Wednesday, April 4, 2001!)”
Why do I do this? Again, to tell the truth, I'm not exactly sure if it
improves response or not (or, if so, by how much)... but... I noticed it
being done a lot in magalogs. Magalogs I know that are (or were)
controls. I don't have any hard evidence to back this up... but... I
feel, if you close the quotes after every subhead or the headline... it
kind of puts up a reading roadblock. By leaving them open, then putting a
quote in front of the next subhead... I believe you draw the reader down
and through your copy.
When I just have a headline with no subheads, I close the quotes after
the headline.
The leaving the quotes open thing is just my opinion... albeit... a
somewhat informed opinion.
(By the way: A control is the winning or strongest ad or mail piece a
company runs. One that they test other ads or mail pieces against and it
pulls in more sales. A magalog is a multi-page thing you get in the mail
that looks like an informative magazine... but... is really a sales
piece. They give some information... but leave the info incomplete enough
to entice you to order whatever product or service is being offered.)
Tip #4: "How To Use Free Bonuses To Increase The Perceived Value Of
Your Offers And Increase Sales!"
This lesson is a basic, but useful one.
Remember the old Ginsu knives infomercials? Remember how they'd pile on the free bonuses to get you to order? If not, it went something like
this:
"But wait, that's not all! If you order in the next 30 minutes... I'll
not only send you the entire 36-piece set of Ginsu knives, I'll include a
second set absolutely free. And, you still get the free fisherman's
friend fillet knife, the free indestructible cutting board... and...
etc., etc., etc."
Anyway, the reason they did that is... it works! That is, it increases
sales... sometimes massively. And all you've got to do to see this
technique used at its perfection, is tune in to late night television.
Just stay up late and watch a few cheesy infomercials.
They've really got it down to a science. They have to. It costs so
much money to make and test an infomercial ($100,000 or more easily)
there's no room for error. If you see one of these 30-minute spots run
over and over... pay attention... you're watching a winner!
Now, how do you apply it to your business? Well, since I don't know what business you're in... I'll cover a few different examples.
If you sell information, you can add more information. Free
book. Free tapes. Free videos. Free teleseminars. Etc.
If you are in a service business, say dry cleaning, you could
offer extra free cleaning. One shirt free for every two or
something.
A chiropractor... free exercise ball to strengthen their back
with first paid appointment.
A dentist... free teeth cleaning with first paid appointment.
Computer sales... free deluxe office chair when someone buys a
computer.
Industrial sales... free service contract for one year after
purchase of a widget.
Whatever business or industry you're in, you can use free bonuses to
increase sales. Just make sure the bonuses have a high perceived value...
and... are easy (and cost-effective) to fulfill on (see caveat below).
Use your imagination and see how many ways you can apply this to your
situation. It's easy.
Caveat: Be wary of tail. What's "tail"? This: Say, if you are selling a book, and you offer a 30 minute free consultation to people if they buy your book... that consultation is tail. You have now sold your time. Time you are going to have to fulfill on later down the road. Better: Offer another similar or complimentary free report with purchase of the book. You can easily fulfill on that ... and then... you are free and clear. And the client still gets increased value...thus...more sales for you.
Hey, that was some pretty helpful stuff, wasn't it? And, you know what?
In reality, I didn't write ANY of those tips. They were all written by
Scott ("Mongo") Haines. Scott is the best student I've ever had. And now,
he publishes his own newsletter. You should get it. It's free. It's
informative. It will help you make more money. Scott sends it (100% free)
to anyone who gives him their e-mail address. Your e-mail address is safe
with Scott. It will only be used to send you his newsletter and an
occasional bit of "Hot News". He will not rent, trade, sell or use your
e-mail address in any other way. And, for what it's worth, I Sir Gary of
Halbert, 100% recommend and endorse you being a subscriber to his
newsletter. You can find out all about it by going to...
www.KillerCopySecrets.com.
That's it for this month. by turning you on to Scott's newsletter, I
feel I've done you a great favor... and... having completed this month's
newsletter has put me in a brighter mood.
Maybe life is worth living after all.
Sincerely,
Gary C. Halbert
Plagiarist Personified
P.S. I desire 100% of the credit for all of Scott's success. And for
those students of mine who didn't "get it", I only have this to say
about those people...
It Was All Their Fault!
Anyway, that's the way I look at things.
Peace.
I didn't have to masturbate to get my heart started this morning.
Plus, nothing evil or toxic seems to have happened to me so far today.
So, I should feel good but, I don't. No specific reason. I just feel
down-in-the-dumps. I guess I'm just like everyone else. Sometimes, I'm
just plain overwhelmed by life. On other days, I find myself inexplicably
cheerful, confident and optimistic. There doesn't seem to be much rhyme
or reason to it. Not as much as I'd like for there to be anyway.
Awhile back, some guy told me, "You know Gary, life is like a shit
sandwich. Everyday you get another bite. And the difference is , On good
days, you get more bread."
But, you know what? There is something I could do that almost always
cheers me up...so...I'm going to try it today. Here I go. What I'm
going to try to do today is...
Write A Good Newsletter!
Howzabout I give you some really simple, easy-to-execute little tips
that will make your marketing endeavors considerably more profitable?
Doesn't that sound like it has some "cheering-up-potential"? I think it
does so, here they are:
Tip #1: "Reading Statistics: What You Don't Know Could Be Killing
Your Advertising Results!"
Did you know that a clear 90% of the people in the U.S. read at a
grade seven (age 12) level or lower?
Also, did you know that research shows reading from a computer screen
is around 25% slower than reading from paper?
What should you conclude from these facts? Give up? Okay, it's this
You Must Write In Plain English...
Your Writing Must Be Simple... And...
It Must Be Clear!
That means short and simple words, sentences and paragraphs in your
copy. Are there any hard and fast rules? Not really. I'll give you some
guidelines, though.
As far as words, sentences and paragraphs go...don't use a ten-dollar
word when a simple one will work just as well. Keep your sentences
relatively short... say, 14-17 or less words. And if you have longer
ones, break them up with ellipsis... or dashes-.
As a general rule, paragraphs should not exceed 6 lines. However, I
usually stay around 2 to 4. And it's a good idea to mix it up... have
some one sentence paragraphs...even one or two word paragraphs...
Like this.
Actually, one of the best ways to learn how to write clearly is...
study proven sales letters. Find the ones you know are winners... that
are easiest to read and model their layout/style. If you're not already
colleting good sales letters, get started now. Get on the mailing lists
of Agora Publishing, Phillips Publishing and Rodale Books. And, if you're
really serious, buy at least one or two products from each of them.
You'll get more good to great sales letters, magalogs, bookalogs, etc.,
than you can shake a stick at... delivered right to your front door.
Here's another tip...
If you use Microsoft Word, you can test the readability of your ads
and sales letters. Here's what you do: Click on the Tools button at the
top of the screen. A menu will come up. In that menu click on Options.
Then you'll see a Spelling & Grammar button... click that. Then there's a
check box at the bottom that says, "Show readability statistics"... click
that. Then when you spell check your document, you'll get a box that
looks sort of like this...
Readability Statistics:
Counts___________
Words: 1037
Characters: 4909
Paragraphs: 38
Sentences: 96
Averages:_________
Sentences per Paragraph: 3.0
Words per Sentence: 10.3
Characters per Word: 4.3
Readability_______
Passive Sentences: 2%
Flesch Reading Ease: 74.6
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 5.4
Those are the readability statistics for this newsletter. Not bad. In
general, you should aim for a grade level of 6 or lower. And a reading
ease of 70 or higher.
Here's yet another tip...
Envision Your Customer As A Dolt!
My friend and colleague, Jeff Paul says that when he sits down to
write a sales letter or ad, he thinks of his average customer as being
just like Homer Simpson. (You know, the lovable oaf from the famous TV
show The Simpsons.) But not in a derogatory way. In this way: For every
word, sentence and paragraph Jeff writes... he asks the question: Would
Homer understand this? (Meaning: If Homer can understand it... my
customer will easily be able to.)
Great advice. By the way, I love it when Homer says...
"Doh!"
Anyway, don't worry about turning-off the brainiacs with your simple
writing style. They're apparently only 10% of the crowd. And, if it's
something they want to hear, they'll appreciate simple clarity... plus...
the rest of your audience will still be able to understand it.
And know this: People are busy and they are bombarded with 1000's of
advertising messages every day. If your sales message isn't bold,
dramatic... and ... SIMPLE... they'll just ignore it! You can't make them
work to understand your message.
One last thing: Since people read 25% slower from a computer monitor
than they do from paper... you'd better be extra clear when writing sales
materials online.
Tip #2: "Two Quick Formatting Tips That'll Boost Response To
All Your Ads And Sales Letters!"
Here's a couple of quick tips that'll boost response to all your ads
and sales letters. What's great about these tips... is they only take a
few minutes per promo to implement:
1. Don't end a page in your sales letters on a period...
or... a column of copy in an ad on a period.
2. Put a footer (in the bottom right hand corner) on all
your sales letters that says something like, "go to next
page". If you run multi-page newspaper or magazine
ads... do the same.
Here's why: When you end a page (or a column of copy) on a period, you
give the reader a chance to stop reading. Bad! Very bad! Instead, you
want to think of your promo as a greased slide, that, once they get on,
there's no way to stop until the very end... where they then whip out
their wallet and buy.
Let me take this a step further.
If, for example, a person is reading your sales letter (or ad) and is
near the end of a page... and the phone rings... if they can finish that
page because you ended it on a period... they are then much more likely
to do that and answer the phone. Doesn't have to be the phone. Any
distraction. And once they are distracted from your letter, that may be
your one chance to get an order... gone forever! Remember this:
Delay Is The Death Of A Sale!
Could you imagine a salesperson, in the middle of their pitch saying,
"Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom." They'd never make any sales...
or very few. Just remember: Once you've hooked 'em, don't ever, ever give
them any opportunity to get away!
Also, a footer that says, "go to next page" or "go to page 2" helps to
keep them moving down the greased slide, as well.
I can't tell you how many sales letters cross my desk without these
simple response boosters. And I'm not talking from amateurs either.
Advertising and Marketing Gurus (that I won't name here) make this
mistake... OFTEN! There's no reason to... other than laziness or
sloppiness. Don't make this mistake yourself. It'll cost you money!
Another thing you can do, is make your pages end on kind of a cliff-
hanger. Like right before you are getting ready to reveal a secret... or
something important.
On the following page is a perfect example:
Not only will I reveal how to double your income in 5 days or less, I'm also going to
(Go to page 2...)
Or something like that. Notice I put the footer in parenthesis and bold italics... use the bolding to draw attention... the italics are optional.
Here are a few other sample phrases you might use:
(go to the next page)
(next page please)
(Please go to the next page and continue reading...)
(turn over)
(over...)
Study ads and find others that you like. I personally keep it simple,
but specific (see example in the box above).
This is not rocket science... but... it sure can make a big difference
in response. How big? I'm not exactly sure. But it really doesn't matter.
It does make a difference... and ... it's simple to use. So why not do it?
Tip #3: "A Quickie Formatting Tip That'll Instantly Boost Response
To All Your Ads And Sales Letters!"
This tip is simple and easy to apply. And it's this: If you want to improve response to every ad and sales letter you write...
Put Your Headline In Quotes!
How well does this work? Well, to tell the truth, I'm not exactly sure.
Here are a couple of statistics I've read. David Ogilvy in his book
Ogilvy on Advertising says, "When you put a headline in quotes, recall
goes up 38%." Another stat I read says, "...headlines in quotes receive
28% more attention."
I'm not sure what the difference is between "recall" and "attention"...
but I don't really care. Quotes around your headline compel more people
to read your ad or sales letter... so... I use them. You should too!
Another thing I've taken to, is if I have subheads under my main headline... I put them in quotes too. BUT... I don't close my quotes
until the last subhead. Again, on the next page is an example:
“Send no money… it’s free and easy to get started…
but only for a limited time…
“Who Else Wants To Be Spoonfed
The Hottest Moneymaking Secrets
Known To Man?
“Each and every month, Key West entrepreneur and self-made
millionaire, Nancy Jones does an in-depth interview and
uncovers the innermost secrets of a “super high-achiever” in
the field of business of personal success… and… delivers it on
audiotape to the doorsteps of her exclusive mastermind
members. Now, at last, you can become a member too and get
a multi-million dollar business and success education in the
comfort and leisure of your own home (or car).
“It’ll cost you nothing to get started. Plus, if you’re not
satisfied… for any reason or no reason at all… you’ll pay
nothing ever - guaranteed! (Please read this entire message
right away because, this offer is strictly limited and expires
for good on Wednesday, April 4, 2001!)”
Why do I do this? Again, to tell the truth, I'm not exactly sure if it
improves response or not (or, if so, by how much)... but... I noticed it
being done a lot in magalogs. Magalogs I know that are (or were)
controls. I don't have any hard evidence to back this up... but... I
feel, if you close the quotes after every subhead or the headline... it
kind of puts up a reading roadblock. By leaving them open, then putting a
quote in front of the next subhead... I believe you draw the reader down
and through your copy.
When I just have a headline with no subheads, I close the quotes after
the headline.
The leaving the quotes open thing is just my opinion... albeit... a
somewhat informed opinion.
(By the way: A control is the winning or strongest ad or mail piece a
company runs. One that they test other ads or mail pieces against and it
pulls in more sales. A magalog is a multi-page thing you get in the mail
that looks like an informative magazine... but... is really a sales
piece. They give some information... but leave the info incomplete enough
to entice you to order whatever product or service is being offered.)
Tip #4: "How To Use Free Bonuses To Increase The Perceived Value Of
Your Offers And Increase Sales!"
This lesson is a basic, but useful one.
Remember the old Ginsu knives infomercials? Remember how they'd pile on the free bonuses to get you to order? If not, it went something like
this:
"But wait, that's not all! If you order in the next 30 minutes... I'll
not only send you the entire 36-piece set of Ginsu knives, I'll include a
second set absolutely free. And, you still get the free fisherman's
friend fillet knife, the free indestructible cutting board... and...
etc., etc., etc."
Anyway, the reason they did that is... it works! That is, it increases
sales... sometimes massively. And all you've got to do to see this
technique used at its perfection, is tune in to late night television.
Just stay up late and watch a few cheesy infomercials.
They've really got it down to a science. They have to. It costs so
much money to make and test an infomercial ($100,000 or more easily)
there's no room for error. If you see one of these 30-minute spots run
over and over... pay attention... you're watching a winner!
Now, how do you apply it to your business? Well, since I don't know what business you're in... I'll cover a few different examples.
If you sell information, you can add more information. Free
book. Free tapes. Free videos. Free teleseminars. Etc.
If you are in a service business, say dry cleaning, you could
offer extra free cleaning. One shirt free for every two or
something.
A chiropractor... free exercise ball to strengthen their back
with first paid appointment.
A dentist... free teeth cleaning with first paid appointment.
Computer sales... free deluxe office chair when someone buys a
computer.
Industrial sales... free service contract for one year after
purchase of a widget.
Whatever business or industry you're in, you can use free bonuses to
increase sales. Just make sure the bonuses have a high perceived value...
and... are easy (and cost-effective) to fulfill on (see caveat below).
Use your imagination and see how many ways you can apply this to your
situation. It's easy.
Caveat: Be wary of tail. What's "tail"? This: Say, if you are selling a book, and you offer a 30 minute free consultation to people if they buy your book... that consultation is tail. You have now sold your time. Time you are going to have to fulfill on later down the road. Better: Offer another similar or complimentary free report with purchase of the book. You can easily fulfill on that ... and then... you are free and clear. And the client still gets increased value...thus...more sales for you.
Hey, that was some pretty helpful stuff, wasn't it? And, you know what?
In reality, I didn't write ANY of those tips. They were all written by
Scott ("Mongo") Haines. Scott is the best student I've ever had. And now,
he publishes his own newsletter. You should get it. It's free. It's
informative. It will help you make more money. Scott sends it (100% free)
to anyone who gives him their e-mail address. Your e-mail address is safe
with Scott. It will only be used to send you his newsletter and an
occasional bit of "Hot News". He will not rent, trade, sell or use your
e-mail address in any other way. And, for what it's worth, I Sir Gary of
Halbert, 100% recommend and endorse you being a subscriber to his
newsletter. You can find out all about it by going to...
www.KillerCopySecrets.com.
That's it for this month. by turning you on to Scott's newsletter, I
feel I've done you a great favor... and... having completed this month's
newsletter has put me in a brighter mood.
Maybe life is worth living after all.
Sincerely,
Gary C. Halbert
Plagiarist Personified
P.S. I desire 100% of the credit for all of Scott's success. And for
those students of mine who didn't "get it", I only have this to say
about those people...
It Was All Their Fault!
Anyway, that's the way I look at things.
Peace.
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