All Post Offices Are NOT Created Equal!

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

I've been writing this newsletter since September, 1986 and I have received thousands of letters, phone calls and faxes from people expressing their appreciation for what they got from reading those letters.

But never anything like what I got from my last issue.

The response from that issue has put me back on the board. Financially, emotionally and spiritually. I could devote this entire issue to expressing how grateful I am for all the help and encouragement I have received.

But, I'm not going to do that. Not now. I'm too close to it. Truth be told, I have a hard time dealing with appreciation and compliments. It's not what I got much of when I was growing up and, because of that, it's hard for me to take it in and let myself enjoy it. Especially the degree and amount of it I've received since mailing out that last issue. I'm tempted to fill up this issue by writing about all of you who've been so supportive this last month but, I daren't do that. Not now. It's too fresh and I'm afraid I'll get too caught up in it and not be able to do my job here. So, it'll have to wait. But, I've got to say something so, here's what I can manage at the moment.

Thank you.

OK, let's see if I can give you an idea or two that'll be profitable for you. First, if you use direct mail, I'm going to suggest something you can test which might give you a surprising increase in response. You know, since direct mail was invented, trillions of sales letters have been mailed. And untold thousands of things have been tested. Mailers test price. Red reply envelopes versus blue ones. Different mailing lists. They test (usually, based on my advice) attaching a "grabber" to the first page of their sales letters. They test offers. They test first-class versus bulk rate. They test different size envelopes and different size letters. They test different copy slants. Different appeals. Including a brochure or not including a brochure.

And on and on and on. Everything you can think of. But, there's one big thing you can test I bet you never thought of. It's something, if we lived in a perfect world, shouldn't make a difference. But, guess what? According to evidence I've been collecting, I now have reason to suspect we don't live in a perfect world (hard concept to accept, isn't it?) and so, if you use direct mail... I urge you... make this test...

Test Using One Post
Office Versus Using
Another Post Office!

I haven't moved. I still live right here in Miami Beach. But, I have changed my mailing address; it's now in Ocala, Florida. (See letterhead.) Why? Because, for a long time, I've suspected I wasn't getting all my mail. Then, about a week ago, I have dinner with another guy who has been, over the years, a very big player in the newsletter business. Turns out he moved here to Miami Beach about 1-1/2 years ago and he too has decided not to send or receive mail from the Miami Beach post office. He said he put out a big mailing the last week in December so it would hit the first couple weeks in January. His results were way off. As much as 40%. A mystery. Then, in March, three months after his mailing went out, the post office delivers a big bunch of orders to him that were postmarked in January. He tried to find out "why" but nobody had an answer for him.

Let's go back in time. Years ago, in another life, I lived in Ohio. Then, I decided I wanted to have an office in Florida. I started doing business out of Fort Lauderdale and, lo and behold, the response to the major mailing I was sending out back then took a dramatic nosedive. My wife at the time, Nancy, told me the reason was obvious: People simply wouldn't respond to a Florida address like they would to an Ohio address.

Sounded silly to me. Just didn't compute.

But I did a test and it turned out she was right. Very right. The difference in response was dramatic.

Here are, I believe, some of the reasons: (1) People don't trust people who live in big towns as much as they trust people who live in smaller towns. In fact, I believe people perceive some states as being more "trustworthy" than other states. New York, California, New Jersey and Florida are, in people's minds (I think) the most "untrustworthy" states of all. And, I'd guess, New York City, Los Angeles and Miami are the most "untrustworthy" cities.

(2) Secondly, I think you get way better service from post offices in small towns than you do from post offices in big towns. It seems to me, people who work in small town P.O.'s consider your mail important, whereas in some big town post offices, every letter seems to be a "pest" to be gotten rid of in any way that's convenient. Which does not necessarily include actually delivering that pesty piece of mail.

A guy in Provo, Utah told me about a very successful fund raising letter he had mailed from up there in Mormon Country. Actually, it was the test mailing that was profitable, not the "rollout" mailing which was a complete bomb. Same letter, same offer, same mailing list. What in God's name had happened?

He found out. He flew to Chicago and discovered 600,000 pieces of his mail...

Had Been Deposited In
Dumpsters Instead Of Mailboxes!

I don't know if it's still true but, Van Nuys, California used to be considered the "black hole" of the U.S. postal system. It was sorta like "The Hotel California For Letters" where much of the mail got checked in but never got checked out.

Big city postal employees are very busy: They've got a lot of drugs to take and a lot of people to shoot. Sometimes, in Miami or New York, when someone gets hot under the collar someone else will say, "Hey Man, don't go postal on me!"

Back in the days when I was riding high in the family coat-of-arms business with Dennis Haslinger, we got to where we were mailing upwards of a million letters per week. All the printing and lettershop work was done near Chicago but, we didn't mail from there. Instead, we had it trucked-in in a semi every week. I told Dennis I wanted to do it that way because it wouldn't appear authentic for a nice lady like Nancy L. Halbert who lived in Bath, Ohio to mail her letters from Chicago.

That was true but, there was another advantage we were getting by trucking our mail to Bath... a much bigger advantage... I wasn't even thinking about back then. The post office we were using was very small and located directly across the street from the small, red house on Ira Road that was our office. We had a personal relationship with the postmaster. As you can imagine, it wasn't long until we were buying 99.9999% of all the stamps purchased from his little post office. And, believe it or not, he appreciated it. He took care of us. If we gave him 100,000 letters to mail... all of them got mailed!

Do you think that would've happened anyway if we had let that Chicago lettershop do it for us?

I don't.

And I believe that more strongly now than ever before. Think of stamps as "paper coins." What that means is, if you are a big mailer, you should have checks and balances and accountability for all your paper coins... every bit as stringent...

As Those Used To Safeguard
Metal Coins By All The
Casinos In Las Vegas!

Stamps are money. Yet, we in the direct mail business often have only minimal (if any) accountability control when it comes to our postage currency. Therefore, if you are a big mailer or ever hope to become one, I'd like to suggest you make the following test: Let's say you've got a mailing of 100,000 pieces coming up. You tell your list broker you want to do an A/B split. That means every other name will be put on a different print-out of labels or put on a different computer disk or whatever. Then, you give one set (50,000) of those names to one lettershop (the one you normally use) and, you give the other set of 50,000 names to a different lettershop. You have your usual lettershop do what they normally do: Which is, of course, get the letters all ready to go and put them in the mail for you.

You have the second lettershop do everything the first lettershop did... except... you have that lettershop deliver the mail to you. Then, you count those letters and you take them to the post office yourself. You do this on the same day the first lettershop mails the other 50,000 letters. Then, you sit back and wait for the orders. (Naturally, you have the orders "coded" some way so you know which orders came from which mailing.) OK, now... I'll bet you a dollar to a donut...

The 50,000 Letters You
Counted And Took To The
Post Office Will Dramatically
Outpull The 50,000 Letters
Your Lettershop Took To
The Post Office!

Every time.

Does this mean I think all lettershop owners are dishonest? No. Not at all. What I do believe, however, is most employees of lettershops earn only a minimum wage and, they can't help but be tempted by all those "paper coins." I also believe "security" for all forms of postal currency is either extremely lax or, in fact, pretty much non-existent.

Plus, plenty of lettershop owners are dishonest!

Did you see that movie "Casino" starring Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro? It's about a real life guy named Lefty Rosenthal who ends up running a Las Vegas casino. If you watch the movie, you get an idea how all those mob guys make sure their coins are all accounted for. And, I'll tell you what: If those guys were buying 100,000 stamps to put on letters... well... I bet all of those letters would get mailed!

Yet... yet... some of the largest mailers in the world, some of them mailing hundreds of millions of letters per year treat their "paper coins" or their "metered coins" or their "indiciaed coins"... as though... they weren't real money. The consequences can be painful. Even financially disastrous. Recently, I myself made a multi-thousand piece mailing which was very important to me. It was an oversized mailing weighing more than one ounce and the postage necessary to mail it was 55 cents. You probably already know it (oddly, I didn't) but, the post office has a 55 cents self-adhesive stamp you can buy.

So, I bought thousands of them with which to make my mailing. The mailing was prepared in my office. When it was ready to go, a couple of the temporary employees who were working on that project took the mail to the post office.

Unsupervised.

The post office returned about 14% of the envelopes to me right away because the envelopes hadn't been sealed and there was nothing in them. When the nixies started coming back, there didn't seem to be enough of them. And maybe 15% to 20% of the nixies were sealed and stamped but had no sales letter or anything else in them. Then, we found one of our trusted employees with a bunch of 55 cent stamps. When questioned, he said he had purchased them with his own money... and... who am I to say he didn't?

When that letter went out about a month ago, I thought it was maybe the best sales letter I've ever written. Guess how many orders I got back in the mail?

None! Not one! Zippo! Nada! Zilch! Zero!

Listen, the letter could be a loser. I write losers just like  everybody else. (Rarely, but it does happen.) But not one? Not one order in the mail? To the best of my recollection, I've never had that happen before.

Which brings me to another little dealybop you'd better watch out for. Let's say you move and you send your post office one of those "change-of-address" forms. What happens? Just what's supposed to happen: They forward all your mail to your new address.

What's wrong with this picture? Consider this: What happens if someone else sends in a change-of-address form for you or your business? No mystery. The post office will forward your mail to the new address on the card. What? You thought they had an ANTI-FORGERY SWAT TEAM to verify your signature?

Sorry to disappoint you. Actually, it's a very common scam these days. The bad guys send in a phony change-of-address form and your mail gets forwarded to a mail drop. Then, they get your checks, your credit card numbers, all kinds of info about you... and... if you are in the mail order business... they get... your orders!

This can be financially disastrous. It can also wreck your rapport with your customers. Trust me, I know. This is getting to be very common. Happens every day. "60 Minutes" did a segment on it. However, this is one of those deals that works better in a large post office in a large city. In a small post office in a small town where everybody pretty much knows everybody else, it's much less likely to work. Also, it seems to me, postal employees in large cities are often individuals much lower on the food chain than postal employees in small towns.

I consider this business of treating your postage like it was  money so serious, I'm fully aware of being... redundant... redundant... redundant... about this point. I don't care. If what I'm writing here saves just one of my subscribers from taking the kind of financial bath I've just endured, it'll make me feel like that young boy in the "Starfish Thrower." I was reminded of that story recently by one of my friends and subscribers. I may not have it exactly right but it goes something like this:

Thousands of starfish washed ashore on a beach. A young boy stands among them, bends down, picks one up and throws it back into the ocean. Then he does it again. And again. A man comes along and asks him why he is doing this. "Starfish can't live out of the ocean," the boy explains, "so when I throw one back into the sea, it gets a chance to live."

"But what's the use?" asks the man. "There are thousands of starfish on this beach. You can't even begin to help them all. What difference does it make?"

The boy picks up another starfish and tosses it into the sea. Then, he looks at the man and says...

"Made A Difference To
That One, Didn't It?"

Perhaps some of my more "sophisticated" readers will consider the message in this issue too basic to have value. After all, when you boil it down, my only advice so far in this letter has been:

A.    Consider sending your mail from a different post office. Preferably a small one in a small town.

B.    Treat your postage just like it was real money... because... it is!

Maybe it doesn't sound like much... but... I'll tell you what: It's "core."

Here's more on the subject of mail: Last year, for the first time ever, more messages were sent by E-mail than by regular mail. And since you can send a jillion E-mail messages practically free, you'd think this would be a bonanza for marketers, wouldn't you? Well, it appears that is not the case. At least, not now. I've got a friend who lets me watch, once-in-a-while, as he accesses his E-mail. There's almost always a bunch of unsolicited commercial messages in his mailbox. Well, since these were sent mostly without charge by the sender, why is it none (or few) of them are making money?

Imagine this: There are two guys and both of them want to be entertainers. One guy has no talent and he's lazy. Aside from a few basic sloppy chords, he never even really learns how to play his guitar. His singing voice sucks and, he considers it to be beneath him to get a voice coach.

Then he gets a big break. Someone gets him on the "Tonight Show." He's got three minutes and tens of millions of people watching him. And, for some lucky reason, it didn't cost him a cent to get this chance of a lifetime. What happens to his career?

Doodley squat. Zippo. Nothing.

The other guy, he has some talent. Plus, he works his butt off mastering his guitar. He practices his songs over and over. He starts performing before small audiences and he takes note of what they like and what they don't. He changes and hones his act until it's a "killer." Then, he gets a shot on the "Tonight Show"... and... he becomes rich and famous and hated by the likes of Gary Halbert because of all the hot, sexy women who throw themselves at him.

The moral is obvious. You gotta pay your dues. I'm sorry but, you just gotta. Anyone who thinks otherwise should think about this...

Most People Who Want To
Be In The Mail Order Business
Couldn't Make It Even If
The Postage Was Free!

E-mail proves it.



  Sincerely,
 
  Gary C. Halbert


P.S. Given my "public persona," you may not believe it... but... I have been left... literally speechless... by the reaction of my readers to the last issue of this newsletter. I've always been slightly put-off when someone talks about having a "mission" in life. Well, hokey as it may sound, I now believe my "mission" in life, and pretty much my only mission is... to keep writing The Gary Halbert Letter... to spend more and more time on it... to strive to make it better and better... to put even more of my heart and soul into it... to avoid cluttering up my life by trying to run a business (or even an office)... to become a better and better teacher... to be a teacher who teaches substance... and... who brings some smiles, some laughter and maybe a "patch-of-sunlight" into a few people's lives. From now on, that's it. That's my job, my only job, and I'm going to put everything I have into it.

        By the way, I wouldn't mind getting laid once-in-awhile either.

        Peace.

P.S.#2  As I told you at the onset of this newsletter, my mailing address has changed (that includes Fed Ex and UPS deliveries) but my phone and Fax numbers have remained the same. So, if you want me to actually receive the letters you send to me, don't send them to Miami Beach any more. Send them to Ocala which is a small town (population 43,000) north of Miami where (according to rumor, at least) some of the post office employees and residents... actually speak English!

            So, once again, here's my new mailing address:

The Gary Halbert Letter
Suite 905-467
3101 S.W. 34th Ave.
Ocala, FL  34474

Why You Must Avoid People Who Are Scared Shitless!

Well, here it is Memorial Day and Clinton has us fighting a war in a country none of us ever heard of and for reasons none of us can understand.

Damn! I wish there was some way we could get Monica back on the job!

Whatever. Anyway, let us devote this issue to you making a lot of money... and... making it fast! You know usually, when someone asks me what they should do to make a lot of money, I tell them to do something... theylove doing... and, the money will follow. I still think that's the best advice... but... right now... I think you should concentrate very hard on making a lot of money very fast... and...

You Should Do It

Any Way You Can!

Why? What's the urgency here? It's that Y2K thing. I'm telling you: Y2K is not going to be just another "bump-in-the-road." It is going to be majorly disruptive to the world economy and it's going to scare the living shit out of millions and millions of people. So, here's something you need to memorize. Let's call it Halbert Maxim #873:

It Is Hard To Get

People To Spend Money

When They Are Scared Shitless!

Picture this: A guy works for Xerox. Sales are down dramatically because Brazilians (Brazil is Xerox's second biggest market) and other big Xerox customers are spending so much time, money and energy trying to deal with their Y2K problems, they aren't buying any copy machines and Xerox's profits are in the crapper. What does Xerox do? Well, first off, they cut way back on their work force... and... our guy loses his job. He now joins the ranks of the "scared shitless."

He doesn't spend money like he used to. Maybe he was about to buy a new Ford pickup but, he now decides to wait. He wants to feel more secure about the future before he parts with any more of his fungolas than absolutely necessary.

And guess what? Since there are so many people in the same boat he's in, they also decide not to buy that Ford pickup or whatever else they were yearning for. So, now Ford ain't selling many trucks and cars and theirsales and profits go in the toilet. They also decide to cut back on their work force and thousands and thousands more people lose their jobs... and... they too join the ranks of the...

"Scared Shitless!"

They stop spending too. This puts more companies in hot water who also have to cut back on their work force, who in turn curtail their spending, which in turn causes more people to lose their jobs. The cycle accelerates and... the phenomania of being "scared shitless" spreads like wildfire!

It is going to happen. And, it's gonna happen real, real soon.

So, I ask myself, "Self, what is the very best way for my subscribers to make a lot of money really, really fast... without too much risk... without too much investment?"

Can you guess the answer? It's the same answer that was true 50 years ago. Or 30 years ago. Or 10 years ago. Or 1 month ago. This answer will still be true next month, next year... and... throughout much of the next century! What I'm talking about, of course, is...

Direct Mail

Are you serious about making huge wads of money and making it fast? If so, forget TV infomercials, forget magazine ads, forget newspapers, forget the Internet... forget everything... but... direct mail. Listen to me Fishface: What is the most essential ingredient you must have to make a ton of moola? The answer is... dum da da dum dum...

A Reachable Pool Of

People Who Are Starving

To Spend Their Money

On Some Particular Thing!

Here is the very most important thing you can do (must do) if you want to make a direct mail fortune. If you won't do what I'm about to suggest, stop reading this letter right now, go to the 'fridge and get yourself a cold one and sit your sorry fat ass back down in front of the tube and click on "Baywatch." Best you enjoy your life now because, I predict you too, will soon be among the ever growing number of the... scared shitless!

What's that? You say you don't want to be one of the scared shitless? You say you don't have a sorry fat ass and you're sick of "Baywatch"?

Alrightythen! You be my main man and here's what you do first: You whip out your credit card and dial (847) 375-5000. This will get you through to the corporate headquarters of "Standard Rate and Data Service" (SRDS)... and... when you get them on the phone, tell 'em you want to subscribe to their SRDS Mailing List Catalog. It's updated bi-monthly and it's gonna set you back nearly $500.00.

Just do it. Bite the bullet and spend the money. There's no alternative. Do it, you silly little freak.

With me? Good! Now, what you will soon receive in the mail (and you'll get a new one every  other month) is a big, thick book that describes almost every mailing list on the market. It'll tell you the size of the list, the source of the list, a description of the list, how much the unit of sale was people on the list spent, what they spent it on and how long ago they spent it.

What I want you to do, as soon as you get the book, is take 10 or 20 hours out of your life and start reading those thousands of list descriptions.

You Will Be Amazed!

As you read the descriptions, do the math. Multiply the number of people on the list by the average unit of sale. Right now, I'm reading the masterfile list description of a company called "Select Information Exchange." Here is the description of that list:

"This is a file of individuals with an avid interest in financial topics and investment information. They have purchased (more than half via credit cards) newsletters and/or financial service products from SIE (Select Information Exchange) -- the nation's leading financial subscription agency for over thirty years.

"This proven file has been used by a multiplicity of different types of mailers with a 50% 'continuation' record. Included are banks, insurance firms, gold and silver coin companies, commodity trading firms, stock & discount brokerage firms, tax shelters, oil & gas, business, financial and investment advisory publications, collectibles, fundraisers, catalogers and credit card issues - and others.

"Space ads appear in a variety of media (i.e., Money Magazine, Barrons, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Investors Business Daily, Financial World, Personal Investor, Better Investing). Regarding libraries, this list has the name of the acquisitions manager (the individual in charge of book purchasing)."

Let's see now. This masterfile has 2,495,000 names on it and the average unit of sale is $375.00. Lemme drag out my trusty calculator and see what that comes out to. Let's see... that's 375 x 2,495,000 which comes to uh... wait a minute... can that be right? Lemme check that again. By golly it isright! This is a list of folks who are extremely passionate about investing... and... have demonstrated that passion by spending... uh...

Over 935 Million Dollars!

And looky here! We can select them out by all sorts of ways. The men from the women. The Canadians from the Americans. The stock buyers from the options buyers from the bond buyers, the oil stock investors, the traders who buy low-priced stocks and so on. Hey, and guess what else? We can even select by what ethnic group we want. If we don't won't them all, we can say we only want the Chinese people on the list. Or the French. Or the Germans. Or Irish, Italian, Japanese, Jewish, Korean, Spanish, Greek, Polish, Scottish, English, Russian, Arabic, American and slant-eyed dwarfs. (Oh wait! I'm sorry. The slant-eyed dwarfs are on a different list.)

Amongst the thousands of mailing lists you are going to be reading about are people who bought cookbooks, people who bought model cars, sewing supplies, gourmet food, etc., etc. But, what I want you to be looking for are big lists of what I call "PWM's" which stands for...

Players With Money!

Why? Simply because (if you are offering something they want) they are the easiest and most profitable people to sell to. Also, they are the least likely to be among the scared shitless when the crunch comes. Not only do you want Players With Money, you want PWM's who have what I call a "high passion index" about something.

Like golfers.

As a general rule, golfers have above average income and, a certain percentage of them will spend literally any amount of money to take strokes off their game. Hark unto me: As you know, my friend Joe Polish has something he calls the "SuperStar Audio Tape Series" where each month he interviews some clever person on some aspect of marketing. Well, one of his most recent interviews was with a guy named Jeff Paul... and... you've gotto have the tape and transcript of this interview. I think it'll set you back $14.95 or something like that and you can order it by calling (602) 858-0008. Once again, don't fight me on this. Just do it. I'm trying to save your cookies here and you're going to piss me off if you don't do as I say.

Which reminds me... I always tell women I think a man should only ask forone thing from a woman... and... if he gets that, he shouldn't ask for anything else whatsoever. When they ask me what that one thing is, I am able to explain it in one word...

Obedience!

It's odd how many women disagree with me on this. But really, that's truly all I want from a woman, all I want from the world... and now... it's all I want from you!

Back to the real world. Let me tell you about Jeff Paul. A little more than a decade ago, he was a Certified Financial Planner. He was part of a small team that offered advice and seminars on stuff like estate planning, living trusts and all sorts of other financial wisdom. The only problem he and his team had was, they couldn't get clients. So, Jeff started studying direct marketing. He put what he learned to work... and... he turned around a practice that was doing $5,000 to $10,000 a month into a practice that was doing up to... $150,000 per month. It worked so well, his partners naturally decided to abandon these crass "National Enquirer" techniques... and... they elected to go back to using the dumb-ass, stale, conventional marketing techniques they were more comfy with.

So, Jeff quit.

He decided to dump his financial planning career altogether and go full time into direct marketing. After a year and a half, he had managed to lose everything he had. He lost his house, he was $100,000 in debt on his credit cards, had no job, no income and no prospects. Jeff and his wife Peggy and their three kids ended up in his sister-in-law's basement living on a couch.

Then he made a little discovery.

As soon as he started to use this discovery, his business went from a measly $1,000 per month to $13,000. The second month he went to $26,000. The third month was $49,000. Now, he has a two million dollar a year business he runs from a 400 square foot office upstairs over his garage.

What did he discover? He discovered the only thing that matters is your market. He discovered it's the market that is the whole deal. He says, (and he's right) "You have to have people who are hungry, people who are irrational, and I mean literally irrational, that are passionate, that have money, and they're willing to spend the money. They have to have a dire sense of urgency, even desperation about something... and... they have to bereachable!"

Amen!

Then he says, "You have to find out what they want and give it to them."He says if you do this, "You don't have to fight. There's no battles. No challenges. There's no mountains and obstacles to overcome. You've made it easy, you've stacked all the deck in your favor."

Amen, again!

Jeff has sold to various markets over the years. But guess who he's selling to now?

Golfers!

Just what is he selling them? A set of golf clubs that will help them achieve a lower score. Just how much are his golf clubs?

$6,000 Per Set!

How does he sell them? With a long copy, direct mail sales letter. That's right... no pictures... no brochures... no nothing except copy.

As he points out, you couldn't do this with a rational market. Golfers are irrational. They'll play in the rain, the snow, they'll buy books, take lessons and, in general, I bet they would jump through hoops of fire if they thought it would take strokes off their game.

So, what you do first is, you get that SRDS mailing list book and read all those mailing list descriptions... and... you find yourself a moneyed group of people who are nutso enough about something to spend irrational amounts of money on whatever it is.

What next? You find or create a very expensive product for these people. Listen, since I can already hear you bitchin' about, "But gee, Gary, I don't know how to do that," I am going to figure it out for you. What you are going to sell them is information. If they want to trade commodities, you are going to provide them with very expensive info on how to profitably trade commodities. If they are horny, lonely, affluent males, you are going to offer them expensive info on how to get women. If they are golfers, you're going to sell them expensive info on how to play better golf.

Let's do golfers. What's the expensive info you are going to offer them? Simple. You're going to offer them a high-priced seminar.

But let's say you know nothing about golf. What you do is, you find yourself a personal golf pro (or maybe 5 or 6 golf pros) and you have themgive the seminar. You advertise this seminar in "Investor's Business Daily"... and... you play up the fact the seminar is so expensive. Perhaps your headline will read something like this:

Florida Pro Gives

Most Expensive Seminar In

The History Of Golf!

Maybe your lead-in headline (the smaller one above the main headline) could say:

Would You Be Willing To

Pay $15,000 To Improve

Your Golf Game?

Somewhere in the copy you inform the readers this is a once-in-a-lifetime seminar, it will never be repeated and only 15 students will be accepted. You make this a one column by seven inch ad and it will cost you about 700 smackers. You tell them in the ad to call your recorded message on an 800 number you have set up with ATG Technologies. You arrange to do this by calling ATG at (800) 775-7790 and be sure to ask for Stacy Skinner.

Your recorded message is short, only a minute or two long. It reaffirms how unique this seminar is going to be and tells them to leave their name and address so you can send them full details about the seminar.

Then, of course, you send them a long copy, well-written sales letter that entices at least 15 of them to come to your seminar. Then, you collect $15,000 from each of them and put on your seminar.

Is this how you make your money? Not at all. This is how...

You Create Your Product!

See, you video and audio tape the seminar and create a written transcript of every word on those tapes. Then you get yourself a good list of golf lunatics... and... you offer this instructional package by sending out direct mail sales letters. You offer your readers a bargain. You offer the seminar tape package at only half ($7,500) of what the live attendees had to pay.

Let's do some math. Say it cost you about $300.00 (that's very high) to put together a first-class video and audio tape package. Let's say it costs you $600.00 to mail a thousand sales letters to 1,000 golfers. OK, since you make a gross of $7,200 on every sale, that means...

You Only Have To Get

One Sale For Every 12,000

Letters You Mail!

Neat formula, huh? Actually, it's a great formula. But now, I'm gonna give you a magic secret that's going to skyrocket the profits of this formula. Look, when you hear Jeff Paul talking about the golf clubs he sells, you'll hear him telling how his golf clubs really are the best in the world.

And you know what? I bet they are.

And that's important. It's also important your golf seminar (or whatever other seminar you put on) be absolutely first-class... because you're going to sell them in a unique way. Somewhere, near the end of your sales letter, you're going to have copy that says something like this:

"Listen, I know it's hard to believe the tapes a golf seminar could be worth $7,500. So how can I convince you of this? I've thought about this a lot and this is what I've come up with. I'm only  going to accept payment for these videos, audios and transcript of the seminar by check. And, I'm going to insist you post-date your check a full 30-days ahead. That way, you'll have over four weeks to watch the tapes and put those techniques to work every time you go out to play a round of golf. Then, if everything I say about these seminar tapes is not true, I will be happy to send back your uncashed check... or... you can simply stop payment on it. I've decided to do this because these tapes really are incredible and, I know you're going to love hem!"

But wait. Won't this increase your refunds? Yep, it will. It will probably triple them.

But, this technique will also triple your sales!

Let's do some more math: Let's say you are averaging about three sales for every 1,000 letters you mail and you have a refund rate of 10%. OK, you mail 10,000 letters which fetch you 30 orders. That's 30 times $7,500 or $225,000. Your mailing will cost you about $6,000 which knocks your take down to $219,000. Also, you've got to shell out $300 apiece to create and mail out 30 tapes which costs you another $9,000 which knocks your take down to $210,000. Now, let's factor in your 10% refund rate. At 10%, you are going to issue a refund on 3 of those 30 sales. That's $7,500 times 3 or $22,500 which knocks your take all the way down to $187,500.

Not bad, hey? But now let's do it with the post-dated check technique. So now, by tripling sales, you sell 90 sets of tapes instead of 30. But, as I said, your refund rate will triple also and thus your refund rate will jump to 30%. That means you'll have to issue a refund to 27 of those 90 sales. Which leaves you with a net of 63 sales. 63 times $7,500 is $472,500. Your mailout will still cost you the same $6,000 and that knocks your take down to $466,500. And, this time, you had to send out 90 sets of tapes at $300 apiece which comes to $27,000. Subtract that and all you've got left is $439,500.

Without using the post-dated technique, your profits were $187,500.

With the post-dated check technique, your profits jump up to $439,500.

That's A Profit

Increase Of 234%!

Will this technique work? Do it right and you bet your ass it will. Canyou do something like this? It depends on your mindset. If you think you can do it, it will turn out you are right. If you think you can't do it, it will also turn out you are right.

Well, there you have it. As complete and detailed of a wealth-building formula as you will ever find in any newsletter. Will you do anything with this info? I don't know. It'll take time, energy, a little money... and...balls!

You got any?

  Sincerely,

 

  Gary C. Halbert

"Master of Subtlety"

P.S. Damn it, I'm not getting enough "bitch" letters. Isn't there something about this issue that offends you? If so, please write me a detailed letter and tell me all about it.

Trust me, I promise to give your letter the attention it deserves.

P.S.#2 There's a guy in England named Stuart Goldsmith who writes an incredibly good newsletter. His political slant is slightly to the right of Attila the Hun but, some of his issues are priceless. There's one he wrote recently on goals which can transform your life. Whatever you do, call him and at least buy that one issue. His number is 011-44-1-189-461-246. His fax is 011-44-1-189-462-505. His e-mail is stuart@medina.demon.co.uk. His web page is http://www.stuartgoldsmith.com.

Peace. And, don't forget...

Be Nice To The "Scared Shitless"!

How To Deal With "Nightmare Clients"!

WAY West of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

Most of the issues of my newsletter over the last twelve months have been a virtual course designed to teach you how to write "killer" copy.

You can use that information in a number of ways: (1) If you don't want to do copywriting yourself, having that information will help you make a more intelligent decision when it comes to hiring an outside copywriter. (2) If you have a business and for some insane reason, want to do all your advertising yourself, you can also use that information to help you with your goal. (3) If you want to work as an in-house or freelance copywriter for some giant corporation, you should now have all the information you need to jump start your career.

However, if it is option #3 which interests you, there is something else very important you need to learn. What I'm talking about is...

How To Deal With "Nightmare Clients"!

There are a number of ways you can do a lot of work for a client and not receive money for your efforts. The first way to do this is, simply to write an ad or a series of ads which don't generate a profit. Every copywriter in the world... no matter how great he is at his work... will always write a few ads that don't generate a profit.

Back in the old days, when I used to have the time and inclination to take on new clients, my standard fee was an up-front payment of $15,000 plus 5% of all gross revenues I was able to generate for that client. I could have gotten much more than $15,000 up-front from many of my clients however, I didn't feel right about it. You see, in my mind, if a guy paid me $30,000 or $40,000 up-front to write an ad for him... and... if my ad failed to generate a profit, it would create such a feeling of guilt and be of such an emotional cost for me, it would be too much of a burden to carry around.

On the other hand, charging anything less than $15,000 up-front would have been foolhardy on my part. Why? Simply because I can always be guaranteed many times that amount of money by putting my efforts into writing a good sales letter to my own in-house proprietary mailing lists.

By the way, my deal with clients also stipulated, if my original ad failed to work, I would write a second ad. If that second ad failed to work, I would write a third. After that, we'd call it quits and the client would be out $15,000... and... I would be out an enormous amount of research, time, energy and work I could have spent elsewhere.

The few times my ads have failed to work, it was almost always because the client was trying to sell something the public didn't want to buy. Honestly though, there were times I just couldn't come up with a piece of copy which would make everything work. Like I said earlier, it happens to everybody. If you choose copywriting as your career... I want you to know... it will also happen to you.

As far as whatever fees you decide you want to charge your clients, that's a personal matter you should put a lot of thought into.

Now, let's discuss the second way you can do a lot of work for a client and still not make any money. In this case, let's say your ad works like gangbusters... yet... your client doesn't have the balls nor the brains to exploit your creative work to anything close to its money-making potential. Clients like this are simply scared people who should be working at McDonald's instead of trying to be an entrepreneur. They will take a winner and before they roll it out, they'll want to make dozens of nonsensical tests. Blue ink versus black ink. A stamped reply envelope versus one with a postage paid insignia. Yellow paper versus white. Etc., etc., etc. When this happens, you are guilty of...

"Casting Pearls Before Swine"!

The third way you can do a lot of work for a client and still not make a lot of money is, you write a runaway winner for a client, he exploits it fully... but... he doesn't pay you for your work. This is simple theft.

A slightly more sophisticated version of this type of theft occurs when the client makes a few cosmetic changes to your ad, then says he is running "his" ad instead of yours and thus, he says he owes you no commissions.

If you are seriously considering becoming a copywriter, you're almost guaranteed to run into at least one of these three scenarios... if not all three.

I am now going to reveal to you the worst client I've ever had in my career. This man could be a poster child for what I like to think of as a "Nightmare Client." A little later in this newsletter, I'm going to describe in detail the nefarious, dysfunctional and stupid ways in which this man conducts his business. However, I want to start with his name... which is...

Alec Jone

As I said, I'll tell you all about "Mr." Jone a few paragraphs later in this newsletter. Before I do that, I'd like to give you a few general tips on how to prepare yourself to deal with a Nightmare Client like this particular dumb ass.

Tip 1: Make Yourself 100% Judgment Proof.

Exactly how to do this is outside the scope of this newsletter. If you do a little research, you will find it is easy-as-pie to make yourself "bullet-proof" from lawsuits, counter-lawsuits, alimony payments, etc. You know what I would do if you sued me for a lot of money? I'd probably not even show up for any of the hearings. That means an automatic Judgment would be awarded in your favor. At that point, you would be free to take every action provided by law for you to collect on the Judgment you had against me.

After you spent a considerable amount of your time and money trying to collect from me (while I, on the other hand, spent my time working on my tan and laughing at your efforts) you would sooner or later discover you had embarked on an utterly useless endeavor.

Tip 2: Learn To Wear A Wire.

99.9% of the time, I do not bother to record the conversations I have with clients and other people. However, once I sense a client is less than ethical, I make it a point to wear a hidden recording device on my body to capture all of our private, face-to-face conversations. I also make it a point to record all phone conversations with clients I suspect are unethical.

Tip 3: Learn The Law.

A little-known fact about me is I attended law school. Because I had no intention of ever becoming an attorney, I never graduated with a degree. I just wanted to know the true ins-and-outs of litigation so I could keep myself from being financially sodomized by dirt-bag attorneys and other people.

Now that you know the basics of how to pave the way of dealing with a Nightmare Client, I'd like to give you my real-life story about how I am dealing with Alec Jone, the worst client I've had in my 30-year career.

Let me begin by telling you how I happened to get involved with him. Shortly before my December 10, 1999 seminar, I received a telephone call from a young woman who wanted to desperately to attend. She had a problem in that her boss (Alec Jone) was only willing to pay one-half the tuition price. I hate discounting fees to attend my seminars or other services... still... she seemed so genuinely eager to learn, I made an exception. I allowed her to attend at half the price the other attendees had to pay. This, by the way, as you shall soon see, is further evidence of the axiomatic truth...

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished!

Anyway, when I met this young woman at the seminar in Phoenix, I was enchanted. Neta Friedman was this very captivating, young, blond woman with a sparkling personality as well as a very sincere desire to learn the business of direct marketing. One thing led to another and eventually, she convinced her boss to hire me. She also persuaded me to take Alec as a client and accept the copywriting job.

The initial piece of work I did for them was to write an ad for a diet product which was supposedly blood-type specific. I had misgivings about the efficacy of such a diet but, they had their in-house "doctor" (Alfred Schwingner) speak with me and inform me of all the reasons this was a valid diet.

I wrote the ad... and... the ad bombed.

For one thing, this particular diet required the prospects to know their blood type. Many people think they know their blood type... yet... they are not sure enough about it to spend money to buy a diet product without first checking with their doctor. They want their doctor to confirm whether or not their blood type is, in fact, "O," "A," "B," "AB", or whatever. This obviously created an ordering delay... and... in direct response advertising...

Delay Usually Translates
To The Death Of A Sale!

In an attempt to overcome this obstacle, Alec's corporation, Nutcasebizz, Inc., then decided (in their infinite wisdom) they would sell their customers a plastic fork-like device. The customers could use this gadget to jab themselves in the ass or wherever and then, use it with the test kits they were provided to determine with accuracy their own blood type. Needless to say, this was one of the most idiotic ideas ever conceived by a marketer... and... it didn't work.

Since my guarantee is once a client has paid the $15,000 up-front fee for my services, I will make at least three attempts to write a home-run ad for their product... and... since my first attempt failed, Nutcasebizz wanted me to write a second ad for this blood-specific diet. I didn't want to write another ad because I felt (and I still do) there wasn't any kind of ad that could be written by anybody which would convince people to buy this type of looney-tunes diet product. Still, I didn't want to leave my client high and dry.

So, I suggested to Nutcasebizz, rather than write another ad for this blood-specific diet product, I write a brand-new ad about a different product. I offered to fly to New Jersey to do this for them without receiving any extra payment whatsoever, if they would simply pick up my airfare plus hotel expenses. Nutcasebizz agreed to this.

I flew up north and walked into their corporate offices. This was the most insane, dysfunctional group of people I have ever met. Immediately, I reiterated to Alec, I found it hard to believe the blood-specific diet was actually valid. He told me "Doctor"  Schwingner had tested the product and assured him it was truthful. I asked to speak with the doctor one-on-one and was put in a room alone with him.

My opening words to him were, "Tell me about this blood-specific diet."

He replied, "It's a fraud. It doesn't work. We thought maybe it would at the beginning. Even though we continue advertising it, we've since learned it's invalid." (NOTE: It is exactly at times like this I find it invaluable to be wearing a hidden microphone on my body.)

Shortly thereafter, I relayed the doctor's comments to Alec who affected mock surprise and allowed as how maybe we should work together on a different product.

We began by assembling the staff of Nutcasebizz in a room with me so I could ask them questions. These people all had the attention span of a gnat. They couldn't focus on anything for more than 10-seconds at a time. We were constantly interrupted by phone calls, people knocking on the door asking what we wanted for lunch, Alec's wife (Monikah) scared to death something was happening she didn't know about, and other endless and aggravating disruptions. This came to a screeching halt when I lost my patience and started screaming at everyone in the room. I told them if this didn't stop immediately, I was going to the airport to head back to Florida. At that point in time, they began to pay attention to me and start taking notes.

Upon my arrival at Nutcasebizz, they had regarded me as some kind of eccentric "Willy Nelson-type guy." However, before I left, they were taping every word of advice I was giving them and even raising their hands to ask permission to go to the bathroom.

Prior to my returning to Florida, I had created a brand-new ad for a different product. It seemed to me this was a "clean" ad which would be profitable. Their in-house legal department questioned a few of the statements I made in that ad. I simply reminded them I only used statements which had already been cleared and approved by them in their own previous ads. That shut them up and they proceeded to test my ad.

This ad was a run-away winner. I had hit the ball out of the park for them. For every $1,000 Alec and Nutcasebizz were spending on advertising, they were getting $5,000 or $6,000 back on sales. This doesn't even count all the back-end profits they should have made from these customers.

I went home a tired but happier man.

Soon after, I realized my commission checks were always late... furthermore... they seemed to be short-changing me. When I asked Nutcasebizz about this, they told me they were too busy running my ad and taking the orders to take care of other matters like their accounting and sending me my full commission checks. Needless to say, I was a very unhappy chappy about all this and at that time, I made my displeasure known. I asked them to send me a commission check twice a month instead of just once a month, which they agreed to. For a short period of time, they did send me the semimonthly checks... however... they were still short-changing me.

I know this to be true because the ad was pulling 5 or 6 to 1 and their so-called 5% commission checks didn't even amount to 5% of the money they were spending on advertising... let alone... the 5% on gross sales I was entitled to receive.

I'd like to take a side trip which will illustrate the dysfunctionality of this company...

Alec Jone has his wife, Monikah, working for the company. Perhaps she has some invisible utilitarian value to the company. If so, whatever it is, it totally escapes me. As far as I could tell, Monikah is a very attractive woman who suffers from what used to be called "Stewardess Syndrome."

Years ago, airline stewardesses had to be registered nurses with an outgoing, friendly personality with drop-dead good looks. These stewardesses would socialize and often party with the pilots. Occasionally, a stewardess would get one of the pilots to marry her. Afterwards though, she would sit at home and worry her pilot-husband was doing with the other stewardesses what she used to do with the other pilots. She would become jealous, over-protective and paranoid. In my opinion, that exactly describes Monikah Jone. I think the only reason she works for Nutcasebizz is "to protect her turf."

Did I mention Neta is Monikah's sister? Although both of them are drop-dead good looking, Monikah is extremely threatened by the fact Neta is 10-years younger. Monikah is constantly accusing Neta of having sex with Alec.

Situations like this are not only ugly, they also have a very adverse effect when you are trying to run a profitable business. For example, we were going to use "before-and-after" photos of Neta in the second (the winning) ad I created for Nutcasebizz. Neta had gained an enormous amount of weight during her pregnancy and she said she lost that extra weight after the birth of her baby with the help of Nutcasebizz diet products. Even though those pictures were perfect for the ad, it turns out we were "forbidden" to use them.

Why? Because Monikah said she somehow felt these photos would cast an improper image of the company. When Monikah was reminded she herself used to enter (and win) bikini contests on a regular basis... she said that was different. I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. How could using modest photos of her sister in a "before-and-after" diet ad possibly be negative for the corporation?

What I think though is, Monikah is one of those sad people who has relied on her looks all her life to get what she wants. Now that she's "a little longer in the tooth," she is very frightened by younger women... especially... her own sister whom she feels has eclipsed her in physical beauty. It is indeed a sorry situation when a man or woman has nothing else in their "tool kit" for getting through their lives than their physical appearance.

Unfortunately, this obsessiveness about relying on physical appearances has rubbed off on Neta. This mindset caused her to have a completely unnecessary surgery to enhance the size of her breasts. Not to be outdone, you can be sure if she hasn't already, Monikah too will soon have a boob job... and... unless I miss my guess, an unnecessary face lift and other cosmetic surgeries.

It all makes me sad. Monikah and Neta both are extremely attractive women. Unfortunately, it's men like Alec who make them feel so insecure, these women believe they have to resort to any means possible... to be attractive enough... to deserve these assholes' attention.

Not only does Alec have his wife working for him, he also has his brother working for the company. His brother has his girlfriend working for the company. Now try to follow this: While I was in New Jersey, the brother's girlfriend registered a complaint about Neta to the effect Neta was trying to seduce her boyfriend (Alec's brother). This was based on Neta's supposedly flirting with Alec's brother during a meeting which I attended.

Even though Neta was dressed very conservatively at that meeting, supposedly, when she leaned across the table to pick up some papers or something, it was possible to see a 1/4 inch of her bra strap where it crossed one of her shoulders. I can assure you Neta was in no way flirting with Alec's brother or in any way trying to seduce or titillate anyone. The fact of the matter is, she's a very hard-working individual and the most valuable person who works for Nutcasebizz. Neta's efforts have been Herculean in trying to make Nutcasebizz a profitable company... despite the fact... she has to work with a group of people jealous of her appearance (and ability) who moronically try to thwart her efforts at every turn.

Unfortunately, by this time, I had introduced Alec to some of my most important contacts in the direct response business. I was embarrassed I had done this since none of my colleagues much liked working with a man who can't focus on a conversation for more than 20-seconds without allowing himself to be interrupted. They've told me Alec is constantly paying his bills late, changing ad schedules, making unnecessary and foolish revisions to the ad copy, asking idiotic questions, besides being an all-around aggravation for everyone who works with him.

Now that you get an idea of how truly dysfunctional Nutcasebizz is, let's get back to the issue of my commissions.

Alec said he received a couple of letters regarding the new diet ad from Attorney Generals in two different States. Anyone who runs any type of diet ad knows these types of letters are routine. Since Alec didn't know what to do, I gave him the name of one of the most competent and hard-boiled attorneys with which I have ever worked.

This attorney scared the living shit out of Alec. What he did was analogous to comparing Alec's business with someone attempting to drive a car from Los Angeles to New York.  Yes, it's true you could get lost in a bad part of town, or your tires could explode, or you could get in an accident. All of these are things which could happen... and thus... a trip like this should not be undertaken by someone who drives as incompetently as Alec runs his business.

At that point, Alec panicked and stopped running the winning ad I had written for him. This is the outcome I had hoped for. You see, the "alphabet agencies" don't scrutinize newspapers extremely carefully looking for ads which are fraudulent. They're too busy for that. These agencies are like cops and only respond to complaints. Cops don't go door-to-door asking homeowners if they've had any problems recently. No, police are too busy to respond to anything except the "squeals" which come across the radios in their patrol cars. But the ad Alec was running was generating a lot of complaints. Mostly because he didn't have competent people to answer the phones, answer the customers' questions or, ship the product on a prompt basis.

I simply wanted Alec Jone to completely get out of the direct response business. I thought it would be a good thing for all concerned if he remained in the sleazy occupation he was in before meeting me. He was a "hypnotist" who ran around the country screaming at people during his seminars who supposedly hypnotized them into giving up smoking and losing weight. There may be an exception but, just for the record, I have never met a hypnotist, with a shred of ethics. This business of Alec's had generated (even before I met the man) all kinds of flack from Attorney Generals in States like Rhode Island, Texas, Pennsylvania and others too numerous to mention.

Since he couldn't stop all the ads from running which were already scheduled, I asked Alec what he was going to do about the residual orders still coming in from those magazine ads and other publications. His answer was simple: He was going to keep the money from all those orders... however... he was not going to pay me my commissions. Take note boys and girls: In actuality, if the ad wasn't "clean" (as Alec claimed)... then... he should have simply returned all the orders he received from that ad. In that case, I would have felt fine about him not paying me my commissions.

I told Alec if he was going to keep the money from these orders and not pay me my commissions, he was going to have to deal with me in court. He replied, 'fine, go ahead and sue me. You'll win the lawsuit but, it will delay me from having to pay you for a considerable length of time.'

Good Sirs and Fair Maidens, this moron kneweth naught with whom he dealteth.

I'm suing him alright but, not for any commissions he owes me. No, Step 1 in handling a Nightmare Client is...

Suing For Civil Fraud!

The FDA, FTC and Postal Authorities are going to be watching my civil lawsuit against Alec like hawks. You know how O.J. won the criminal lawsuit against him but lost the civil one? That's because the lawyers did it backwards. Let me explain: A civil lawsuit is far less restrictive in what information you can force the defendant to give you... than... what you can obtain in a criminal lawsuit. So, if you first bring out all the negative shit in a civil case, it makes winning a criminal case a slam dunk... because... you have all those nasty, negative facts you obtained in the much more liberal atmosphere of civil litigation.

If you've read my book, How To Make Maximum Money In Minimum Time, and have read the chapter entitled "The Dark Side Of Success" you have probably figured out the various "alphabet agencies" would love to have me work with them. I very seldom choose to do this. I don't like snitching anyone out... even if they deserve it. Although in some cases, people are so blatantly evil and dishonest, I will help the authorities put them away.

For example, there's a guy named Frank Sarcone, who never made $60,000 a year until I started working with him. When my commission checks reached the level of $126,000 per month, Frank decided to stop paying me. This decision was based on the advice of his business manager who, at that time, was his live-in girlfriend. She has since bankrupted him and Frank has now been forbidden by the powers-that-be to ever work in the direct response business again. But, you know what? Frank lives undercover in the Fort Lauderdale area and is operating a direct response business using some brain-dead loser as a "front." The authorities are soon going to learn this and incarcerate him. Any ideas on how they are going to get all this inside info? You be right... Sir Gary of Halbert is going to see they have it.

Another guy in Texas (John Polk) hired me to write an ad for him featuring Ronnie Milsap, the country singer. I thought John was going to be running the ad in newspapers and use it in a direct mail campaign. That wasn't how he used it at all. No, what he wanted was to brag to people in multi-level marketing meetings they should join him in his MLM scam because he had secured the services of the world's best copywriter. This made me livid. Where do you think John is now? He's serving out a six year term in a federal prison in Texas. Want to take a stab at who put him there?

My guess is (because a little bird told me) Alec Jone is also going to wind up incarcerated. In my opinion, he's not going to do too well during his imprisonment. He talks and acts tough... yet... he's nothing more than a loud-mouth, New Jersey street punk and I would venture to say by the time he serves his sentence, his asshole will approximate the size of the Holland Tunnel. Prisons are not populated by women, relatives and employees who will eat shit from people like Alec. Prisons are populated by real, hard-core, tough guys who, I surmise, will have him wearing lipstick, bras, panties and dresses in record time.

Proceeding with Step 2 in dealing with a Nightmare Client...

Turn Off The Money Spigot!

To do this, I am sending a certified letter to newspaper space banks, standby ad placement agencies, print media sources and the like. My letter will inform each of them Alec Jone is continuing to run a suspect ad, of the forthcoming civil and criminal proceedings, along with the fact if they continue to run ads for him, they will do so at the risk of having to deal with a conspiracy indictment filed against them.

Because Alec also has his own (incompetent) in-house advertising agency, I am writing a separate letter to every newspaper in the SRDS telling them about Alec and why they should not accept any of his ads.

Is there another step in dealing with Nightmare Clients? You bet your bippee there is! Step 3 is...

Piercing The Corporate Veil!

Alec probably thinks because of his "corporate veil" his personal money will be invulnerable. Little does he know his corporate veil is going to be pierced in a micro-second... and therefore... he is going to be drained of not only all his business money... but also... he'll be drained of all his personal assets.

Does all this sound a little over the top to you? Do you think maybe I'm overreacting? If so, let me tell you of a stomach-turning event which occurred to me about 2-1/2 weeks ago.

I'm sitting in the salon of my houseboat, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the Miami Herald. I turn the page... and... lo and behold... there is almost word-for-word the exact ad I had written for Nutcasebizz! You guessed it, the very same ad Alec said he wasn't going to be running any more. There were a few cosmetic changes but, I bet if you put that ad side-by-side with my ad, you'd be hard put to find those changes.

This Nightmare Client of mine is a thief, a bully and a simpleton... all rolled up into one.

I intend to pound this man completely out of the direct marketing business. I don't care if he's selling hypnosis seminars, diet products or Bibles. I don't care what company names he uses or how cleverly he attempts to disguise the fact he is running these businesses. I have two detectives watching every move he makes. And every time there is an opportunity to thwart him, I will be there to do it for all the rest of his days.

Do you think I like doing this? Actually, I hate it. I would much rather help people than hurt them. But Alec is a loud-mouth bully who hires doctors who really aren't doctors, incompetent attorneys... and... wives, relatives and other family members who he abuses with impunity. If the law allowed it, I'd simply take him out in an alley to beat the living shit out of him. Of course, it's not legal so, I'll do the best I can with other methods.

To prove to you I only take this kind of action as a last resort, I will tell you what else I did recently. Since Monikah and Neta are directly involved, I sent a multi-page fax to each of them. I wanted to give them the opportunity to see how this situation could be resolved quickly and peaceably. You know what? Neither of them has even bothered to acknowledge the terms of that fax. Maybe it's because Alec or his bullshit "corporate counsel" didn't want them to see the fax so, they didn't give it to them. Or maybe it's because Monikah and Neta don't understand how real and immediate this situation is.

Oh well, I tried.

                 

  Sincerely,
 
  Gary C. Halbert


P.S. Alec and his attorney have tried to make the point they relied on me to write a clean and honest ad for them and, if anything goes wrong, I too will be liable. That's utter bullshit. True, some copywriters get indicted along with their clients... however... those copywriters are partners with their client. Me? I'm not Alec's partner and, in fact, I don't even get paid for the work I did for him.
Secondly, holding a copywriter or an advertising agency responsible for the claims made in an ad would virtually stop all advertising in America. How so? Suppose a client came out with a new car and asked a copywriter to write an ad about it. This client told the copywriter the car gets 51 miles per gallon, has 265 horsepower, and will go from 0-to-60 in 4.5 seconds. Is the copywriter or the advertising agency supposed to test this car somehow and figure out if it really does have 265 horsepower or if the other claims about the product are true? No, of course not.

It is he who publishes an ad who is responsible for the claims in the ad.

Alec's corporate counsel sent me a memo of how he "reluctantly" approved my ad. That's like saying he "reluctantly" agreed to drive the get away car after his comrades robbed the bank. With that statement, Alec's corporate counsel is now going to join Alec, Monikah, Neta and the good doctor in being sued and indicted. These people are truly crazy.

P.S.#2 Anyway, I hope for those of you who decide to become copywriters, you have gotten some useful ideas from this newsletter on how to handle "Nightmare Clients."
Peace.

*The story is true but some of the names have been changed.*